Expectations..are a mean mean thing!

I’ve been thinking..yet again! :/ yes!

So, why do we expect? I know there are lots of you who would say, I don’t have any expectations. I have stopped expecting. But isn’t that just a by-product of being hurt? All of us have been hurt and with time, we like to ‘believe’ that we have learnt our lessons. The truth really is, that we are just a little less fun, a little more serious, and in pseudo terminology we like to call it ‘experience’.

I, and here I don’t talk only for myself – there are more out there, have been hurt many-a-times. I guess we are our own enemies. We want the entire world, all of it – the perfect career, the perfect soul mate, the perfect life, and we dream and dream and dream some more about it.  Don’t we know it is never going to happen? Don’t we know it is all just a farce?

Every new chapter in life starts with an old one closing. And though we say it is ‘closed’, is it really? Again, I talk for myself, and a few of those I know – we make constant comparisons between the ‘was’ and the ‘is’. We surround ourselves by new ‘What-ifs’ every single day. We fight with our hearts and minds all the bloody time! And we say we’ve moved on? Doesn’t moving on mean learning from your mistakes? Then why, oh why do we repeat them again and again? And I’m not talking about how much better ‘this’ guy is from the earlier one. I’m talking about the hurt. The hurt, the pain we give ourselves – intentionally.

All because of these idiotic expectations. Whether we like it or not, whether we want it or not – we do expect. All the time. And what do we get out of that? Just another session of ‘self-realization’ and a lesson learnt, or sometimes not!

Over and over and over again we have mastered the art of hurting ourselves. It’s like finding sadistic pleasure! Be it a mom telling the kids again and again to ‘sudhro’ or our dumb hearts going bonkers over people so unattainable, its not even funny!

I don’t know, I am just blurting out pretty much what I’m thinking. This isn’t a well-scripted thing, or a carefully thought-out one. But I’m just irritated. With myself, and with the director of this play called ‘My Life’. I don’t WANT to be ‘experienced’. I don’t WANT any ‘self-realization’. I don’t WANT these lessons to be learnt. I don’t WANT all this constant juggling of my heart.

I’m just a normal girl, and I just want a normal life..

Is that too much to ask for…?

Break free..

Over the past few months, a lot of things had happened that had changed her life. She had to face a lot. She was trying to cope. Trying to put up a brave face. Trying to show the world that everything was okay. Today, when she stops for a moment and thinks, she realizes what has happened. There are no tears left to shed. Just sadness - that engulfs her fully. Completely. She goes on with her day to day life. Does what she has to. But there is no emotion. No feeling to it. Today, she is emotionally spent. Today she needs a break. From Everything. For once, she wished to feel nothing.

All she wanted was to cry out. To take it all out once and for all. She was tired. Tired of feeling these feelings for so long. Tired of this sadness. For once, all she needed was freedom. From her thoughts, freedom from her emotions and freedom from what the society thinks. For once, she wanted to tell the world that she really didn't care. She needed to do this. AND, she needed a hug..