Today..

There are some days when you’re down and out, at your lowest point emotionally and you just don’t know how to deal with it; but, there also those rare occasions, once in a while, when you are SO happy you don’t know how to deal with it! Today, it’s one of those days for me – the latter type! :P

These days I have been going through this phase of ‘Just-flow-with-life’. I have a set routine which I follow, bored with the monotony. And today started off just like that. I came to work, had a list of things to work on. THEN, halfway through the day – I freaked out! In a good way :P You know the feeling one gets when he/she gets through the first round of Indian Idol auditions or like, when all your friends have some or the other excuse to not meet you and then suddenly all of them turn up together to surprise you? :P ya ya! I have had that feeling too – the latter one :D

So basically, today started off quite lamely, if that’s even a word. And then I got this beautiful surprise that I had never even remotely thought of! Vaise toh, I’m myself a big one on giving surprises to people but I’m also quite blonde when people do things for me ;) Like, someone might be planning something for me right under my nose and I wouldn’t realize! But, today was different! And, what happened today made me realize exactly how much I am valued by some :D. Maybe not actually! I am still numb, so I can’t really imagine..

Its true – it takes a small gesture to make someone’s day. And, I hadn’t really recovered from one thing when a second was thrown at me.

These weren’t big things at all, but you know what I liked best? They were both intangible. It wasn’t anything you could touch or see. It was just a few words – through which I could feel a sense of magic. A bond that was taken to the next level. A level that has enriched a few relationships by a hundred fold! A connection that will never ever EVER fade. I believe in it. Today is a day of realizations. Today is a day of overwhelming emotions. Today is a day I want to cherish forever! Today is a happy day!

And today, all I can say is..

Its only words,

And words are all I have

To take your heart away…

A God sent tear..

She sat there, at the window. The breeze caressing her face lightly. She felt the calm, the silence – it spoke to her sometimes. It told her stories of the past – like a doting grandparent. Played them like a movie in front of her eyes. And every time she listened and watched intently mesmerized by her own life.

She had always been the curious sort. And impatient. Always wanted answers for everything. It seemed that she liked quizzing herself, challenging herself to hit the bull’s eye. But today was different. And today’s question wasn’t an ordinary one. She had pondered over it for the last 192 days, 13 hours and 18 minutes. That’s roughly a little more than 165,679,023 seconds. And, she was STILL confused.

She believed in God, had faith in Him and His powers. Some times. She never understood why He would make a person ‘go through’ pain to get some sort of ‘learning’ out of it. She never understood WHY life was just a vicious cycle of pain and learning. Today again she was stuck. Trying desperately like a helpless frog to jump out of the well. Confused by conflicting views and opinions. On the one hand, people said, some experiences are just so you learn. They come and go. On the other hand, it is said that if you want something really bad – you get it no matter what. You might have to wait an entire lifetime, but in the end, you’ll have it. She wished someone could tell her which logic applied to her. She needed some direction, a guiding hand in the darkness. Should she wait? Should she hope? They said hope is what kept the world going. But was there any point of all this? Today she could feel her faith loosen..

If God created everything and had all the answers, couldn’t He just let her know how her story ended? At least that way she wouldn’t have to keep waiting endlessly. No amount of pleading mattered anymore. She was tired. Of waiting for an answer. Helpless.
What was NOT different today was that; like every other day - all she had was a God sent tear...

Who I am doesn't matter

If you look around yourself today, what do you see?

What I see is a life moving SO fast that we seem to have lost control of it. Everybody is busy – with day to day life, work, entertainment, socializing, traveling, and after that, if there is any time left in the day – then some rest. No one has the time to stop. And think.

Who I am doesn’t matter. If there is one thing that DOES matter, it is that I come from the Millennium City – Gurgaon. And LIFE…moves so fast here, that you don’t realize when you pass out of school, get into college, graduate from college, get a job, quit that job and move into the next one.

Opportunities, achievements, success – that’s how people measure you, your life. That’s how YOU measure your own life. And why do we need all this? For a secure future, a comfortable lifestyle. We are supposed to be ‘focused’, set goals; work hard to ‘get there’. But amidst all this, do we stop and REFLECT?

If there is ONE thing in the world most people want, it is to be ‘Rich, Thin and Happy’. Everyone wants to live ‘comfortably’. Have ENOUGH. Really? How comfortable IS comfortable? How happy is happy after all? WHEN is it ‘enough’? Is there a way of measuring that?

When do we get to know that it is time to stop? To stop working our butts off. To RELAX. We are always running. Running to reach office in time, running to reach the meeting in time, running to buy flowers for our lady love! Running to go to the LOO!

We try our best – to take control. Yes, I say we try, because otherwise, marriages wouldn’t be falling apart, kids wouldn’t be getting out of hand, and students wouldn’t be committing suicide over school and college results. Pressure, Pressure, Pressure!

I ask you today – when was the last time you ENJOYED? Even I need to think. It takes a few moments, and I say – when I was a kid. It’s a shame – most of us last ENJOYED when we were kids – and that was a LONG time ago…

Many people have a desire – to be remembered in a certain way after they’re gone. Some want to be the good friend, philosopher and guide. Some, the good relative – a good father, brother, son. Some want to be remembered with WHAT they did – a noble man. A great citizen of the country. A great contributor, a visionary. I, and again I say, my name doesn’t matter – want to be remembered as one ‘who enjoyed’…

India is a PHUNNEE place I tell you! :)

Recently, at a so-to-speak family reunion, an interesting conversation took place. Sitting in the Drawing Room face-to-face wondering what to talk about, guess who came up with the topic :P
*TAKING A BOW* ;D

Well, Bugs (The voice in my head, remember?) has always found names very fascinating. Different types of names people keep in different corners of the globe. But, that day, Bugs felt like doing a bit of deep digging right here at home – Sadda India! :D

So, Bugs’ words in my voice:
(Please note that I am nowhere in the conversation ;D)

BUGS: It’s so funny sometimes, how people keep their children’s names. I mean like, don’t they THINK? (Please don’t take offence, Bugs gets a little..umm..bhaawuk at times :P)

RELATIVE 1: (No names to protect identity ;)) Yeah, it’s pretty funny. (This relative is a teacher) When I take attendance in class, I say “Taranpreet” expecting one of the boys to react, and there – a girl’s hand shoots up in the air!

BUGS: These names toh I anyway don’t understand. Matlab SERIOUSLY, World mein naam khatam ho gaye they kya?? Damapreet, Taranpreet, Gyandeep! All these Preets and Geets and Meets! It’s SO confusing!! You just can’t tell whether it’s a guy or a girl! It’s like match the following:
TARAN DEEP
DAMAN PREET
CHAMAN MEET
And there’s never a wrong answer!

RELATIVE 2 (Who happens to be wedded to my father): Yeah, Sikhs don’t discriminate among genders naa!! That’s why!

BUGS: Yeah, Mom! I believe you! *Rolling eyes*

RELATIVE 1: Oh! There is one kid, called KHUNKHAAR SINGH! Really! At first I thought everybody teased him with that name, but then his partner told me, “Ma’am, register mein dekho – yehi hai uska naam!”
*BUGS FAINTS*

RELATIVE 2: Oh my God! Parents sochte nahi hain kya!! KHUNKHAAR SINGH?? Hey bhagwaan!
Hearing the name again revives the little devil. Bugs can’t afford to miss another second of this conversation.
BUGS: Punjab is funny! *Gets a slap from me* every second person is either Baby or Chimpu Or Babbu or Guddu! And mind you, it’s again sex-no-bar! In my “Punjab Gang” there are 2 Ravi’s – one male one female. There are two Manu’s – one 23 years old, and one I don’t know how old. There are two Cherry’s – one in final year college and one – an aunty. I mean, HOW in the world is one poor brain supposed to know who is being talked about in which context!! Now THAT’S something!!
*I think to myself: Hey, Bugs is making sense for the first time ever..”
On a serious note (Just kidding), A few people who are somehow faintly acquainted with me are as follows:
There is a gentleman called GAURI whose brother’s name is KALI whose wife’s name is RAVI.
There is another gentleman whose name is Daisy whose cousin is BABY who is a lady.
There is a young lady called GUDDU and so is their local dhobi.
There is one more gentleman, who would actually kill me if he read this – his name turns out to be LUCY.
And, there is ANOTHER gentleman whose name is MADHUBALA! And I SWEAR to God, I’m NOT joking!
*Back to the present*

RELATIVE 3 pipes in there was this Scientist who named his children Electron and Proton!
ZOINK.

RELATIVE 1 (gets up to go to the kitchen) : Oh, ek ladka hai meri class mein – uska naam DIAMOND hai!

*Returns with a tray full of Mixed fruit juice* and everyone is on the floor, laughing like madmen…and women ;)!

India is a phunnee place I tell you! :)

I don't know what to call this..

There was a time not very long ago, when you were my life…
You were all I could see; I thought maybe one day I’ll be your wife.
You filled my life with joys and took away my sorrows.
You promised me you’ll stand by my side, today and tomorrow..
I couldn’t believe I had found someone so wonderful and caring.
I just wish you had been a wee bit more daring.

People say nobody is perfect. Oh yes! You definitely were.
Sometimes it seems like it was yesterday, and sometimes – such a blur.
I dreamt of you in every little dream, I dreamt of us till the end of time.
I wonder why the society just didn’t understand - is being in love such a crime?
We had our own little secret world then; Oh! It was real bliss!
Before you, I never knew what love was; now I know exactly what it is,

That smile on your face and glint in your eyes - then; they were so real..
Today you look at me with a hollow expression, and I can’t believe there’s nothing you feel.
I hoped to spend every waking moment with you,
You were the last person I wanted to wish goodnight, and the first I wanted to say good morning to

Now I look at you and I am at a loss of words; I can’t recognize this person
Are you the same being, who once wanted to spend all seven lives with me, and not just one?
I search your eyes to look for my life, my heart, my soul..
But your vacant expression leaves me numb, chills me to the core..

I still can’t believe such a relationship has come to an end..
People are telling me, the road is long and this is just a bend.
I don’t know what to say to them, how to show them what we used to be,
Maybe then they’ll know the bond we shared – was nothing but pure divinity.

There was a time not very long ago, when you were my life…
And I remember that moment all too well, when you asked me to be your wife…

The day even Shania Twain didn't help..

The music was playing, but she wasn’t listening. That didn’t happen too often, in fact it had never happened before. Music had always been a major part of her life. She seemed to connect with it in every mood. She always somehow discovered that one song that she felt was just meant for her.
Another reason that probably strengthened this affair with music was that she had always been a hopeless romantic. She still couldn’t figure out whether that was a good thing or not. But today, even Shania Twain couldn’t calm her senses.

It was seven years ago - sometimes it felt like another life, sometimes like it happened just yesterday. He had been pursuing her for over two years before she relented. She had never been in a relationship earlier, and her naïve innocent mind was too scared and insecure to have said yes any sooner. She was just overwhelmed at the fact that someone could do so much for her, give her so much, love her so much. She thought she loved him too. Maybe she did – for a while. Five years later, having gone through many many changes, some together, some separately – they were standing looking at each other with hurt, anger and frustration.

He had always loved her, it was more like obsession. But, she was more of the practical sort. Her future had always worried her. Especially with him. Now she felt, he was had always been like a child, not taking the important things seriously enough.

Even today she remembers that day clearly, when she first said it to herself – “This can’t go on. I need to break up with him”. She again went into that contemplating mode - weighing her options. And with every passing moment, her belief became stronger, her goal clearer. Whatever it was, wherever she was meant to be, it wasn’t with him. She had started feeling claustrophobic. She NEEDED to do this - for her own well being.

And she did. She had known it will be tough, but this tough – she hadn't the slightest clue. Suddenly, the entire world saw her as mean and selfish - even her closest friends. She felt a huge sense of guilt, trying to convince those who were once hers – that this wasn’t fully her fault. That she HAD to do this. Amidst all the fun and frolic she felt alone, betrayed by her own.

She missed him sometimes. Actually, she missed the feeling of being with someone rather than anything else. She felt a little less burdened for sure now. Under all that mess, she felt free – to do what she wanted, the way she wanted to.

That was seven long years ago - sometimes it felt like another life, sometimes like it happened just yesterday…

A perfectly normal Tuesday Morning

On a perfectly normal Tuesday morning, you wake up, mentally preparing yourself for four long days of work before the weekend, do the same things you do every day – bathe, get ready, have breakfast, leave half the milk /tea /coffee you are drinking because you are getting late, find the keys of the house /the car, forget something crucial, run back home, take whatever you’ve left behind and run off again.

Then, another series of inevitable events takes place – you check your watch and realize you will be late for your meeting, you have to get fuel on the way, the AC of your vehicle isn’t working, and in a worst case scenario – you have a flat tire. The new shoes you are wearing hurt your foot, you are having a bad hair day, you are making a mental note of all that you have to do after work – eggs need to be bought for breakfast tomorrow, you have to collect the clothes given for dry-cleaning, your wrist watch needs a new strap and your lens solution is over.

Half an hour in traffic, having cursed the motorcyclists, truck drivers and the unfortunate Maruti 800 that just refused to budge - you reach office, jump out and run into the building when you realize you have forgotten your lunch in the car. And then a mile long trip to the piping hot parking lot – grab your lunch and run back, hollering for the guys entering the lift to hold it for you. 30 seconds of impatience, and 10 faces crammed in a 1’x 1’ space, staring at the screen showing the floor you have reached. Trying to balance your laptop, purse and lunch bag you squeeze yourself out of the lift full of round paan eating government officials and reach your desk, throw all the stuff wherever you can and straighten yourself out. The routine ‘Good Mornings’ and ‘Hellos’ follow. You pull out the laptop and log onto facebook, THEN open your official mail, sign into gtalk, and NOW you’re all set…

…to BEGIN the day!

Why is it..

Some Whys in my perennially overactive brain...

Why is it that chocolate, ice cream and paranthas are not health food?
Why is it that we feel sleepier after having overslept?
Why is it that as soon as we start settling down in college, it finishes?
Why is it that it is always the woman has to change her name and go to the man’s house after marriage?
Why is it that the rich get richer and the poor get poorer all the time?
Why is it that the Death Toll in India is just a mere number and no one takes it seriously?
Why is it that people are extra focused on one aspect of their life, but just don’t care about the rest?
Why is it that people change?
Why is it that that they can rarely see what is going wrong with their life?
Why is it that whenever there is a mishap of some kind, there is always someone making a video instead of helping them out?
Why is it that film stars get surgeries done to impress the world and be accepted onscreen, and forget that they have to live with THEMSELVES forever, and after 10 years their noses will crumble into their hand?
Why is it we always realize the importance of someone only after they’re gone?
Why is it that everything in life is just a phase?
Why is it that Birbal was as intelligent as he was?
Why is it that people sometimes just stop making the effort?
Why is it that people never talk sense when they are angry?
Why is it that our generation is so restless and impatient?
Why is it that we are never satisfied with how much we have?
Why is it that our brains think 500 different things at the same time all the time?
Why is it that there is no sound when our heart breaks?
Why is it that the heart breaks at all?
Why is it that the “Healing” process is always the slowest one?
Why is it that there are no good indoor badminton courts in Gurgaon?
Why is it that there is ALWAYS a communication gap between two generations?
Why is it that there are so many family disputes over property after the eldest person passes away?
Why is it that people die?
Why is it that relationships hurt?
Why is it that when we are working or studying time crawls and when we are having fun, it flies?
Why is it that Nature soothes us and the heavy city traffic doesn't?
Why is it that everyone is always trying to portray that everything is okay?
Why is it that people drift apart?
Why is it that nothing is permanent?
Why is it that people grow fat?

Why is it that we can never just BE OKAY WITH everything?

Why is it that we always want answers for everything….?

The Journey of a Lifetime - to the Passport Office! :P

India is a bizarre country. And, I have solid justification for saying this.

DATE: 29th March 2010
PLACE: New Delhi

It is 7.35am and I reach the Passport Office.
MISSION: Passport Renewal through Tatkaal.
PRIOR EXPERIENCE: Nil.

I am aware that the gates open at 10.15am, and am happy to see that I'm one of the first 15 odd people to reach (Obvously DUHH! Its 7.30!). I have slept only for 4 hours the previous night, so obviously, I am in a state of hyperactivity :/

I stand in the line for about ten fifteen minutes wondering whether I am in the correct one. After all, Online Registration kari thi bhai! I walk around a bit, my paper work tightly clasped in my hands, as if, this is teh only thing a mugger would be interested in!

So, I ask a few people, who are as clueless as me. A guard pops out his head from behind the locked gates..

"Bhaiya, online submission ki line yehi hai na?"
"Haan ji! Yahin khade ho jaiye!"

Back to square one - a little more knowledgeable this time. 10 more minutes pass. I wonder why they hadn't mentioned 'PLEASE CARRY CAPS AND CHILLED WATER ALONG WITH YOUR DOCUMENTATION' on the website. A guy is making the rounds shouting "Matthi aur CHAAAAAIIIIIIII" "Matthi aur CHAAAAAIIIIIIII". I think to myself - Is he crazy??? Paani laa oh muurkh-janak!!

The Hotelier cum Marketing professional in me springs to life - All focus on 'Seasonal Business Opportunities' - What if they change their product offering every season? Matthi and Chai in Winters, Cold Water and Juice in the Summers, Umbrellas in the Rainy Season...

With all this conversation happening inside my brain, It is miraculously 8.08! Wow!! Time flies fast! Not to mention, I have already observed exactly what each person in the line is wearing, their facial expressions, who has shaved, who hasn't (Thats the trainer in me - stick to grooming standards man!), what kind of footwear people have put on. The last bit takes a while, when I see women wearing heels and waiting patiently for the gates to open.

The VELLA voice in my brain springs up again - "Did you think you were coming for a party madam?" "Or you thought you'll come and be ushered in within a second, and there you go! Your passport's done!"
I see them getting tired - looking for a place to sit and still be a part of the slowly growing line. "Haah!"
(Thats the voice in my head!) "I told ya! Aur pehno heels!" (Humph! *Smirking Cheeply*)

Ya, ya! The heat is killing me! I look at the 'Government Servants' line! "Idiots! What have they done to deserve the shade??" Helplessness sets in. The brain is trying to figure out a way to fight the heat.

Realization sets in - NO CHANCE!

The Accountant in me sets to work - "How much do you think they earn in a day?" (Thats the Voice talking again - Lets call it BUGS! :P) So, Bugs says - "How much do you think they earn in a day?"
And, replies to its own self - "Well, If they get about 500 applications a day, and even half are through tatkaal - they still make almost 9 Lakh rupees a day!" "And they can't spend 5000 bucks on a Sun Shade? RIDICULOUS!"

It is 9.30 and hopeful applicants are gathering like it is the final match of IPL. They act like we are invisible morons standing in a queue. They walk up to the guard at the gate and ask the "Bhaiya, Passport ke liye yahhan se...?"

Bugs, the voice is fuzzing up - getting irritated by the minute "YEAH NUT CASE! LOOK AT US! WE'VE BEEN HERE SINCE 7.30!! NOW MOVE YOUR ASS AND GO TO THE END OF THE LINE!"

They still stand there, hoping that the guard suddenly fails to see them anymore and they can keep standing right where they are.

They all have their excuses - "Bhaiya minor ke saath hain!" Bhaiya, SHO se baat kar lijiye!" "Arrey yaar, Hum toh saat baje se khade hain!"

A big bodied unshaven guard comes out form behind the gates as if He's just been disturbed from his beauty sleep! "Sirjeee! Sirjeee! Peechey jaaiye! Line Mein! Peechey Peechey! Sunaee nahi deta kya?? Main aapko bol raha hoon!" Every one of those stupid people standing at the gate like to believe that he's talking to the rest of the lot.
RESULT: None of them move. Now the guy starts pushing AND screaming his lungs out together. "LINE MEIN LAGO! LINE MEIN!"

Bugs starts talking again! - "He could sue the passport office for making him holler like that everyday! If they want everyone in a line, which IS how it should be anyway, haven't they heard of RAILINGS?? MAN! This is crazy!!!"

The sweet fragrance of my deodorant has changed into a not-so-nice smell. And so has everybody else's. Its not a very good place to be in at the moment, but there's still 12 minutes to go! Before my KISMAT KA TAALA opens! These are probably the SLOWEST EVER 12 minutes of my life!

I strike up a conversation with the guy in front of me. He tells me he has been coming here at least three days every week for the past four months! He says they seem to have lost his file and he's missed his entire 1st semester at the University of Wisconsin! They put him up at the top floor of the building, amidst 1 and a half lakh files and tell him to find his! My ears almost fall off! I thank god for everything I have :P

Tic Toc Tic Toc Tic Toc Tic Toc....

YES!! The gates are opened! People run in as if Amitabh Bachchan is waiting just to see them. I ask for the Online submission Counter and am very happy to discover that I am the first one. The guy goes through my papers and tells me in gibberish - "Iski aur iski photocopy kara ke lao" and throws my documents at me. My heart sinks! I ask him - "Photocopy kahaan se hogi?"
The idiot replies "Pata Nahi!" I want to slap the guy. I think about what would follow. And I hold myself back. He could reject my application!

I ask a few people and find out its behind the building. I know if I go out now, I'll have to stand at the end of the line OUTSIDE in the heat all over again. I want to cry. Then like Mentos says - Dimaag ki batti jalao, I remember something. My driver. The Saviour of my life. I call him and tell him to get the required papers photocopied while I wait inside.

20 minutes and 3 phone calls later, he reappears. I grab the papers and run inside.

And then..

There are 50 people ahead of me, behind me, and on every possible side! I want to kick myself on my bum but there is NO space! I stand - like a moron! Cursing myself! I look around. There are 12 counters out of which as many as TWO whole counters are for online forms! And on each side of EACH counter is a very simple message "KRIPAYA POOCHTAACH NA KAREIN! PLEASE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS!"

Oh my god!! They actually have that printed on boards??? Time to play the waiting game again. 20 minutes later - I haven't moved an inch and have counted that there are 14 planks jutting out of the ceiling! White handkerchiefs turn wet and yellow!
Sigh!

Its 11.30 when I reach the counter. Well, look at the positive side - Its at least still morning!

The idiot across the counter (With his top 2 shirt buttons open, a very visible hairy chest and paan in his mouth) asks me a few questions, ticks each piece of paper without even looking at it and puts a million stamps on them.

Again, gibberish! I figure he's telling me to get something signed from someone else in Hall 2. Bugs pipes up "Now where the hell is Hall 2?"

I ask people and end up standing in the wrong line again! Half an hour and 2 more signatures later, I am back at the earlier counter (somehow dhakka maar ke) and waiting breathlessly as the paan-chewing moron checks my papers for the third time! I get the feeling that I am sitting in a Maths exam, but accidentally prepared for German! He asks me for the money. I pass it to him.
I wait! I wait for the golden words!

And then he says it - "Passport Ikattees ko milega!"

I want to jump in the air and scream! I get the same feeling I got the day I discovered I passed in my Business Studies board paper! YAHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!
Today is a BIG day in my life!

I call my driver and walk out. There is a guy at the gate "Bhaiya, Mujhe passport banwana hai, mujhe Delhi Secretariat se bheja hai!"

Bugs says, "Yeah Smart ass!! You're the only one who's come for a passport naa!"

I sit in my car and realize that:

A) I'm famished!
B) I need sleep DESPERATELY
C) I need to go to the loo NOW, and;
D) It is 12.38PM! TWELVE THIRTY EIGHT! My passport application submission (Mind you! It was only SUBMISSION!) took 5 hours and 3 minutes!

I reach home and as I faint-walk, my maid looks at me weirdly. I want to say something to her, but the vocal chords are just not working.

I think to myself "Oh Man! Aren't you lucky you don't have a passport!"

Hmmmm... *Tired Smile!* :)

Love - and its own little love affair!

For most people, their teenage and early twenties is when they experience love for the first time. Their first relationship, their first romance. That everlasting soft corner for that ‘Special Someone’. While some find their ‘true’ love and ‘forever-and-always’ soul mate the first time itself, there are a whole lot who go through their first heart breaks, which is more often than not a lesson for them in many ways. And so, even though, their first ‘Experiment’ with love might have been more out of curiosity than anything else, their next step into the world of romance is often a more informed and aware one.

It really depends on the situations we’ve faced, how our outlook towards relationships and this ‘fad’ called love shapes up. Different people would take different turns in life after these first ‘incidents’. Some might not want to get into a relationship again, some may go on a guilt trip, a few might turn to self-pity and a long lasting session of ‘tears-on-the-pillow’ and, others may go for bitterness, revenge or blame. There might be just a handful who actually move on. And, I’m afraid I haven’t reached that stage yet.

But, it is actually the ‘second’ stint at this risky game which really shows what we’ve learnt from the previous one. I call it a risky game because like LIFE, there is no guarantee for love – No sure shot formula, no cheat codes. And, even though we may not have a choice when it comes to being born, falling in love is definitely a more conscious option. What is sad is that, sometimes people do not make the ‘right’ choices the second and the next and the next time too.. And, yet again, I fall into that category.

After I-don’t-know-how-many-hund

reds-and-thousands of years too, love is even now, such a vague term. It is STILL, beyond doubt, unexplainable. People are still as, or maybe more curious, now than ever, to find out the ‘secret’, the ‘right’ recipe to it. And in the process of trying to discover the surreptitious thing, lose their path somewhere down the road.. There are so many of us, blinded by this fantasy called love, trying to touch that bubble of ‘happily ever after’ and not make it burst. Trying so hard to unravel this unsolvable mystery that, in the process, we forget that the PERSON we are dreaming these dreams with is not the Mr./Ms.Right at all. We don’t realize that we are just trying to force a square peg into a round hole. And that never works. We know it sub-consciously! Oh yes, we do! We just find it more convenient to live with that flight of our imagination rather than the crude reality.

They say, when you are in love you do crazy things. I agree, a hundred percent. But, I think to get out of it, and ‘DEAL with the past’ you do crazier things :)..and there is no justification for it. Because, in the end – Love has its own love affair with insanity. And THIS, unlike the rest, is a bond forever. The ‘Fevicol-ka-mazboot-jod-ha

i’ type. Love and insanity, in whatever form, will always go hand-in-hand, no matter what. The only catch here is that our naïve hearts only see the ‘love’ effect, whereas insanity comes in as wild card entry mid way… :)

Hmm..I guess this is the only game in the world, that is bound by NO rules..

I thought we were perfect..

There was a time when I didn’t know what love was..
Then you came along..

I don’t know how it happened, it just did..
All of it started to come true, what I’d dreamt of as a kid..
Your beautiful eyes showed the zing I had never witnessed before
Your smile made my day, your hug bettered everything,

You solved every problem, had a way out of every difficulty
You ensured there was no guilt, no blame, no self-pity
You made sure I ate well and was well rested,
I wish I’d known then, that I was just being tested..

I trusted you blindly, gave you the ropes of my life,
You handled them well, but only for a while..
I didn’t ask for too much, just you till the end of time
And you said to me, you’ll leave me ‘never ever..forever’..that was your constant chime

I truly believed you, now I think, I shouldn’t have
After all that happened, I think it was too much I gave..
I really thought you would have stuck to your word, to all that you’d said
I don’t know what they meant, all those promises you made..

It is sad to think, such a beautiful relationship fell flat
I just wish you had the guts you always lacked!
Now you’re gone, happy with someone else,
I don’t know what to say, I am still numb..
But mostly, I feel naked, wounded and dumb!

There are just so many memories; I don’t know what to do with them
Every turn I take, everywhere I go, I am reminded of you
What didn’t I do for you, I put so much at stake,
I fought with so many, but, you just let my heart break..

Now, what is left is only hurt and scars..
I have begun to believe that love is a farce..
How wrong I was, now I reflect..
Because, for a time I actually thought we were perfect..

When luck walked out!

Lots of people believe that luck has a huge role to play in life. They use this term “luck” interchangeably with “destiny” or “kismat” and often say “Yeh toh likha tha kismat main, yeh toh hona hi tha!”. And this they usually say when something goes wrong, something that was not in their ‘plan’ of life. Being Indians, we believe a great deal in God. To an extent that almost all differences and clashes in society are due to religious reasons.

If we believe in God so much, why is it that we only remember Him and His powers in times of need, in times of weakness? When we win a gold medal in a state level sports tournament or are promoted at work, then it was our hard work and dedication that worked. But when, we are stuck with a flat tyre on the way to an important meeting or the maid burns our brand new shirt, we curse God, question his actions. We ask “Why me?”. Why is it that till everything is going well, we are riding high, it works fine. But as soon as things stop falling into place, we say “luck just walked out.”

Luck might be a part of life - Of the turns life takes. But what is more important is what we DO. Our deeds. Our actions. All we have to do is ‘do good’. And it’ll all work out fine. God is watching our each move. He is following our every thought. He knows the ‘plan’ of our lives. He knows when we need ‘luck’ and when just plain hard work to achieve what we want. Either way, through good and bad experiences, right and wrong choices; this is the ‘plan’ of our life. Even if we stray, we will eventually come back on track. This is what we were sent here to do. And it is our ‘luck’ that we are still here, doing it.

The 12th Floor..

I stand in my balcony on this winter night. Its mid December. Its not very chilly but there is a nip in the air. The view is amazing. It relaxes me. Gurgaon looks like New York in the evenings. Its beautiful. Everything looks tiny from my 12th floor apartment. The cars, the people, the houses, the trees. I like it. I like the peace here. The quiet. Just me and my thoughts. Nobody to interfere. Nobody to judge me. I think about my life. I think about how I have changed. I know I have. I can feel it in me. I dont know if thats good or bad. I miss my old self sometimes. I can see life getting more complicated with time. I can see it in front of my eyes. I can see my life just passing by. I am not doing anything worthwhile. My life is passing me by and Im standing there - just watching. I know what I want, but I know I cant have it. I never will. I want it more every day. And every day I am confused even more if i'm moving towards it or farther away. The destination is there. The direction is there. Its all set. But the circumstances are SO against me. Its unreal. Its getting really tough. I don't know if ill ever be able to reach it. I am dizzy with thought every night. Am I even a little closer to it? No. Sometimes I feel this is my purpose. Sometimes I feel where is all this leading me? Some say time is a good healer. How much time. I need to know. Till when can I go on like this. How can everything be so against it? Im afraid to be on my own. Im fine when im with people. When Im not, my mind goes back to it. I don't know if ill be able to go on like this forever. How will I muster up so much courage. I know Im alone in this. And I don't have a solution. Its there. It more than exists for me. Every moment of the day I wonder - will it be possible? EVER? No. Highly unlikely. Tonight - my mind is blank. Even the calm on the 12th floor doesn't ease the pain, the panic. A war is waging inside me. And I don't know what to do...

Freedom...

What does freedom mean to you? How would you describe it? People talk about big things - freedom of our country, our nation - Politicians thrive on this so called "promise" of freedom, of trying to achieve it, not for themselves, but for their "people". We talk about freedom from terrorism, freedom of speech, freedom of expression. We blame authorities, the government and God knows who all for not having proper security systems. We think, what can WE do as the youth of this country - to be free! Is that one peace rally we participated in enough? or that one group we joined on facebook? Is that all we can do to be free? I really don't know what freedom is.

There are 6 billion people in this world, and 6 billion definitions of freedom. How do we ever expect to achieve this "freedom" when these different definitions, opinions and views are flying around all over simultaneously. Why don't we just hold on a second, and think! What if one day, we are free from all these big issues - terrorism and the likes - are we REALLY free then? I don't think so!

For me freedom is one simple thing. Being able to sleep peacefully at night. That's it! That one thought that today I added some value - to someone's life, made someone laugh, spread a few smiles, helped someone out of a tight spot, and in turn, became a better person - helped MYSELF grow. That one thought that I was just myself - no pretence, no lies, no regrets. I'm not saying we don't get into difficult situations, but, our true character is revealed in times of crisis. Freedom to me is not 'not having any problems'. Freedom to me is believing that I did all that I could to make it okay. Freedom to me is being true to myself - so that when I look at myself in the mirror, I can say that I'm a good human being, and I am right. It's always different - who the world believes you are, and who you really are. In the end it doesn't matter what the world thinks of you. That doesn't matter. What matters is - what you think of yourself. And if you are content with YOURself every night - that's freedom!

Who is GOD?

Since my school days, I have always wondered who God is? How does he exist? In what form? How does he control this entire world? How does he keep a tab on ALL the people in this world? How he can divide his attention among all of us? I have never been a die-hard believer in God, I dont pray everyday or visit the temple very often but I do believe that there is SOME power up there that exists and makes things happen. I dont believe in the stories people share about seeing God or experiencing miracles - because I have never seen one myself and Im more of a "seeing is believing" person - So..

But I do remember that supernatural power we call God in times of joy as well as sorrow - and more often than not, to pray for not myself but for my loved ones - family and friends. My prayer sometimes go out to the world at large - I pray and hope for peace, a terror-less environment without crime. Very rarely do i pray for myself. People say thats because I dont love myself. Im not a priority for myself and I spend too much time in thinking about others and doing things for them - going out of my way without thinking of what im getting in return - if im getting something in return at all or not. Since my years in school up until now - I have experienced various emotions, friendships, experiences - call it what you want. And I cant say Ive learnt something from all of them. I have repeated mistakes over and over again - and at times like these I wonder - Why? If there IS a God up there - and he IS watching everything - why is it that im getting hurt over and over again? I wont lie about it - I do wonder WHY ME? ButI never seem to get an answer - Obviously, Ive heard that God has peculiar ways of making you realise something - Im waiting for the day when I have learnt that lesson - because Im tired of being hurt - of not learning and repeating the same mistakes again and again.

I know change is the only constant. But I wish there was ONE day when I could just BE! Just be ME! Without any problems, without any roller coasters - with solutions to everything - but I guess, thats where Im hoping for too much - How unrealistic is that! Sometimes I feel like Im the latest video game in town n God is having a jolly good time handling the controls!

I guess after ALL these years, ALL these experiences, and ALL these lessons, I can SAY that what I HAVE learnt is that for me God is my belief - my belief in LIFE, my belief in my VALUES, my belief in MY family, my belief in my friends and my belief in all the positives I have experienced! God is IN us! God is What we believe! God is the one who has the controls but, he really has left it to us to play our own game!

God is life and God is Death, God is love and God is hatred, God is joy and God is Sorrow, God is You and God is Me. God is Mother Teresa AS WELL AS Osama Bin Laden! Because - there are two sides of every coin - and each side has its own story to tell...