S.E.X - The taboo word! :P

You know there are some instances in life when you wish you hadn’t witnessed what you just did – situations you suddenly realize you want to run very VERY far away from. Today, I was in one of those :S

And believe you me; there are very few situations that leave me speechless. I mean, I am more than just a talkative person – to the extent that I’ve been suggested by many to take up radio-jockeying and the likes! But you know what struck me like lightening today? When I realized that even Bugs didn’t know what to say – Yeah, that voice in my head! Now THAT, my friends, is a serious issue!

So, now that the intro is done, I’ll come to the main body. Now for some of you (perverts!), your minds might already be reeling towards that three lettered taboo word: S-E-X. Vaise, isn’t it human tendency? That everything we’re told not to do or say, we like doing that, if nothing else, just for the kick of it! And however ‘forward’ our country might have become, sex is one thing that’ll always be looked upon with eyes falling out of their sockets and the vocal cords going mute!

Don’t agree with me? Try this: While taking a stroll in the park with a friend or talking on the phone, just have a conversation about ‘How supremely exciting your last night was’ and just see the expression on that fat little aunty sitting nearby eating bhutta! If not in front of you, or her kitty party ‘gals’ she’s sure to go back and duly report to her dear little hubby, “Yeh aaj kal ke bachcheee! Minti ki ladki kohi dekh lo, kaisi kaisi baatien kar rahi thi neechey!” hahaha!

Anyway, coming back to the point, I’m not one of those shy girls who’d turn red at the mention of you-know-what. I’m pretty free to talk to, or so I thought until a few days ago!

So, a long lost acquaintance pinged me on facebook out of the blue (you know how it always is – screw those four hundred friends on our lists!) and mentioned about her engagement, upon hearing which, (or rather reading which) I was genuinely very happy for her. But nowcomes the tricky part.

6.37pm

XYZ(*Name protected for privacy reasons*): Have you done oral?

BOINGGGGG!!!! It felt like a baseball bat just hit me!

Okay, I’ve always had these e-world versus the personal touch issues. (No, not that personal touch! :\)

But seriously, everything has become so tech-savvy these days that you’d rather log on to facebook and post something on a friend’s wall rather and pick up the phone and call her. More than half the times, you take things all wrong because ‘unluckily’ you don’t know what the other person means by “okay, I gotta go!” It could mean anything from ‘I really do need to go’ to ‘you’re so irritating, I can’t bear you for a second longer’!

But now? Oh no no no no! This very instant, I am thanking the lord for having made this ‘curtain’ of sorts because I have NO words!

Eeewww! What a thing to ask! Does she really want to know that? As I was thinking of an appropriate response (Yes, sometimes the easiest YES/NO questions can be very tricky!) my sister enquires why I have been staring at the computer screen with my jaw dropped! I look at her and her belief that I have, indeed, lost it has been confirmed! I look back at the screen and whoop! I have officially been bombarded with questions as if I’m a ‘personal guide’ on kamasutra.com or some such parallel world of fantasy. I don’t remember exactly how I got away from that conversation.

But, how was I to know that the icing on the cake is going to happen today! So, this person pings me again:

12.47pm

XYZ: I had oral ;D

Now I’m speechless so all that comes out is a ‘great’.

XYZ: You can ask me anything if you want ;)

NOW, I want to run far far away.

But alas! I just fainted! :-\

The 'Maid' Truths :P

You know, there are lots of times in life when we’re asked about our families. Especially, being Indians, it’s a way of ‘getting to know each other’. So normally, when I’m asked that question, and I’m sure when you’re asked the same, we tend to reply by mentioning our parents, our siblings, sometimes grandparents and what they do. But it so happens, that there is another person, who really isn’t a part of one so-to-speak, but has the potential to absolutely and completely screw your happiness, and in severe cases, that of the entire family’s. And this person is a supreme must in today’s day and age..

WAIT FOR IT..

*Drumroll*

None other than THE MAID SERVANT!!

Or as some pseudo people like to call it – “Domestic Help”.

Now, it doesn’t matter how friendly your mum is with the rest of the world but this one relationship - with the maid - is what all mothers are very very cautious about. A perfect example of a love-hate relationship, it creeps out the women of this world more than they’d admit. From experience I can say, (and I’m no doctor – of any sort) that common symptoms of this illness are stress and sleepless nights, worry and more worry. Not having a maid is one fear that goes far beyond that of cockroaches, lizards and many other such beings.

So, today, I list down some universal truths about our beloved ‘domestic help’:

1.There is absolutely NO concept of a notice period in their profession. Accept it.

2.Every time you give them a holiday, please don’t expect them to be back the day they say they’re going to be back. They’re not. And you know it.

3.Items like ketchup and sugar should be strictly kept out of their reach since they have full potential to treat the former as ‘pyaaz tamatar ka tadka’ and mistake the latter for Salt!

4.DON’T expect them to wash your bathrooms daily. They’ll quit in the month.

5.And, do you REALLY want them to do jhaadu and pocha BOTH in the ENTIRE house every single day? If so, you gotta be kidding! More often than not, the hair is being taken away with a dripping wet mop. And it’s going to go down in history jus that way!

6.They take absolutely no responsibility for burning the milk after putting it to boil and running off to talk to the phone. No. It isn’t their fault!

And lastly,

7. It is their birthright to stand in the balcony and yap with the maid living across. So even if that means you’re doing the work in the kitchen, unka HAQ hai bhai!

But having said that, you’ve just gotta see the expression on your mum’s face when she opens the door and finds the maid standing outside. It’s better than one she’d give her husband after a long day of work.  :P It is truly priceless! And this is what they call ‘relief’ ;D

The COW!

There was a time long ago, when India was known for snake charmers,

Ask anyone about this country, they’d say that and the land of farmers.

But now things have changed, a lot I must say..

No more are there snake charmers, always blocking the way.

With time, the trees went down, now there’re buildings everywhere,

And with that, reigns another being,

The ‘COW’ she is called, Oh! What a scare.

Middle of the road she’ll sit, with her big fat family

And not move an inch, let alone get up and flee!

You come right at them, thinking now they’ll budge,

But all that happens is their tail rising, and the next lot of fresh chocolate fudge!

It seems they mock me all along, having their own little party,

On seeing me so helpless, they have a laugh hearty!

I don’t know what’s their problem, guess they’re stuck with glue,

Every day on the roads, all I get is a sarcastic ‘Moo!’

*Rolling eyes*

Sigh!

Daddy Woes? Naaah..Daddy Wows! :D

1. The day your dad sits next to you while you drive and doesn’t say ‘WHAT ARE YOU DOING???’ – That day you and he both will have the realization that your driving has improved.

2. The day your dad specially calls you to his cabin during lunch just to tell you that he’s impressed by the jalaa hua rotis you’ve made, the grin on his red face will make your day :P

3. The day your dad gets up and goes to the kitchen to ‘whip up’ something for himself, he is VERY hungry! ;)

4. The day he says, ’let me do it’, he’s either feeling guilty that he doesn’t help around the house too much, or is too in love with you!

5. The day your dad DOESN’T have the TV on while doing other things simultaneously, please touch his forehead and see if everything is okay..

6. When he wants something to eat or drink, he’ll always have an indirect way of telling you – something like, “Bhelpuri khaoge?”

7. If he actually comes up to you, rather than calling you to him, (for anything) you have reason enough to be scared.

8. The day he starts finding small things like the nail cutter, the remote, the house keys himself rather than asking you to do it, either he’s very pissed with you or he thinks you’re not home.

9. The day he actually ‘makes a conversation’ with the maid, please take it that he’s ‘contributing’ to the house :P

10. The day he asks the kids to “get their homework to him”, he’s definitely got a jhaad from his wife for NEVER EVER bothering with anything except his work and cricket.

11. The only time he will actually ‘enter’ your room to wake you up is when and if he’s crossing your room. Otherwise, you can keep hearing the wake up calls from his room (whenever he does remember that you’re still sleeping) and you can keep replying with ‘Hmmm..’.

12. On a holiday, if the TV isn’t on when your dad is home, be rest assured that he’s sleeping.

13. The day he initiates a conversation about your marriage, either he’s very worried, or he’s very worried. Either way, please run away…as far as you can..

;)

Pakode aur Chai :D

For as long as I can remember, the first thing any Indian would think of, when he/she hears the words ‘rains’ or ‘monsoons’ – is ‘Pakode aur Chai’. Yes, although in the recent times ‘Potholes’ have become pretty symbolic too, ‘Pakode and Chai’, like many other traditions in India, have been passed down from one generation to another. Come rains, and wives all over the place would be organizing these ‘pakvaans’. Family members of all age groups – the kids, the husbands and the grandparents would wait impatiently after having said “Pushpaaa/Maa/Bahuuu, iss mausam mein chai aur pakode hon toh mazaa hi aa jaaye”. And so, the poor lady of the house starts finding that godforsaken packet of besan and the chai ki patti.

And as usual, Bugs got thinking (Yeah! The same stupid voice in my head!) – not about the calories, but the fact that maybe this wasn’t really a done thing anymore. He asked me, when was the last time I had pakodas? And believe me, I just could NOT remember! It must have been at a party that had a chaat pakodi theme or something.  So I figured this was one of those times when you see trends changing. I think if it were pouring heavily today, people would probably prefer a chocolate brownie or waffles with maple syrup with a hot cappuccino rather than the good old Pakode and chai! And no, it isn’t about being health conscious! I don’t think the calories matter as much, since the latter is more definitely more fattening than the oil soaked pakode. But I guess over time, tastes have evolved.

Then again, if we’re talking desi versus firang - isn’t Neal Caffery hotter than John Abraham anyway? ;D

India is a PHUNNEE place I tell you! :)

Recently, at a so-to-speak family reunion, an interesting conversation took place. Sitting in the Drawing Room face-to-face wondering what to talk about, guess who came up with the topic :P
*TAKING A BOW* ;D

Well, Bugs (The voice in my head, remember?) has always found names very fascinating. Different types of names people keep in different corners of the globe. But, that day, Bugs felt like doing a bit of deep digging right here at home – Sadda India! :D

So, Bugs’ words in my voice:
(Please note that I am nowhere in the conversation ;D)

BUGS: It’s so funny sometimes, how people keep their children’s names. I mean like, don’t they THINK? (Please don’t take offence, Bugs gets a little..umm..bhaawuk at times :P)

RELATIVE 1: (No names to protect identity ;)) Yeah, it’s pretty funny. (This relative is a teacher) When I take attendance in class, I say “Taranpreet” expecting one of the boys to react, and there – a girl’s hand shoots up in the air!

BUGS: These names toh I anyway don’t understand. Matlab SERIOUSLY, World mein naam khatam ho gaye they kya?? Damapreet, Taranpreet, Gyandeep! All these Preets and Geets and Meets! It’s SO confusing!! You just can’t tell whether it’s a guy or a girl! It’s like match the following:
TARAN DEEP
DAMAN PREET
CHAMAN MEET
And there’s never a wrong answer!

RELATIVE 2 (Who happens to be wedded to my father): Yeah, Sikhs don’t discriminate among genders naa!! That’s why!

BUGS: Yeah, Mom! I believe you! *Rolling eyes*

RELATIVE 1: Oh! There is one kid, called KHUNKHAAR SINGH! Really! At first I thought everybody teased him with that name, but then his partner told me, “Ma’am, register mein dekho – yehi hai uska naam!”
*BUGS FAINTS*

RELATIVE 2: Oh my God! Parents sochte nahi hain kya!! KHUNKHAAR SINGH?? Hey bhagwaan!
Hearing the name again revives the little devil. Bugs can’t afford to miss another second of this conversation.
BUGS: Punjab is funny! *Gets a slap from me* every second person is either Baby or Chimpu Or Babbu or Guddu! And mind you, it’s again sex-no-bar! In my “Punjab Gang” there are 2 Ravi’s – one male one female. There are two Manu’s – one 23 years old, and one I don’t know how old. There are two Cherry’s – one in final year college and one – an aunty. I mean, HOW in the world is one poor brain supposed to know who is being talked about in which context!! Now THAT’S something!!
*I think to myself: Hey, Bugs is making sense for the first time ever..”
On a serious note (Just kidding), A few people who are somehow faintly acquainted with me are as follows:
There is a gentleman called GAURI whose brother’s name is KALI whose wife’s name is RAVI.
There is another gentleman whose name is Daisy whose cousin is BABY who is a lady.
There is a young lady called GUDDU and so is their local dhobi.
There is one more gentleman, who would actually kill me if he read this – his name turns out to be LUCY.
And, there is ANOTHER gentleman whose name is MADHUBALA! And I SWEAR to God, I’m NOT joking!
*Back to the present*

RELATIVE 3 pipes in there was this Scientist who named his children Electron and Proton!
ZOINK.

RELATIVE 1 (gets up to go to the kitchen) : Oh, ek ladka hai meri class mein – uska naam DIAMOND hai!

*Returns with a tray full of Mixed fruit juice* and everyone is on the floor, laughing like madmen…and women ;)!

India is a phunnee place I tell you! :)

The Journey of a Lifetime - to the Passport Office! :P

India is a bizarre country. And, I have solid justification for saying this.

DATE: 29th March 2010
PLACE: New Delhi

It is 7.35am and I reach the Passport Office.
MISSION: Passport Renewal through Tatkaal.
PRIOR EXPERIENCE: Nil.

I am aware that the gates open at 10.15am, and am happy to see that I'm one of the first 15 odd people to reach (Obvously DUHH! Its 7.30!). I have slept only for 4 hours the previous night, so obviously, I am in a state of hyperactivity :/

I stand in the line for about ten fifteen minutes wondering whether I am in the correct one. After all, Online Registration kari thi bhai! I walk around a bit, my paper work tightly clasped in my hands, as if, this is teh only thing a mugger would be interested in!

So, I ask a few people, who are as clueless as me. A guard pops out his head from behind the locked gates..

"Bhaiya, online submission ki line yehi hai na?"
"Haan ji! Yahin khade ho jaiye!"

Back to square one - a little more knowledgeable this time. 10 more minutes pass. I wonder why they hadn't mentioned 'PLEASE CARRY CAPS AND CHILLED WATER ALONG WITH YOUR DOCUMENTATION' on the website. A guy is making the rounds shouting "Matthi aur CHAAAAAIIIIIIII" "Matthi aur CHAAAAAIIIIIIII". I think to myself - Is he crazy??? Paani laa oh muurkh-janak!!

The Hotelier cum Marketing professional in me springs to life - All focus on 'Seasonal Business Opportunities' - What if they change their product offering every season? Matthi and Chai in Winters, Cold Water and Juice in the Summers, Umbrellas in the Rainy Season...

With all this conversation happening inside my brain, It is miraculously 8.08! Wow!! Time flies fast! Not to mention, I have already observed exactly what each person in the line is wearing, their facial expressions, who has shaved, who hasn't (Thats the trainer in me - stick to grooming standards man!), what kind of footwear people have put on. The last bit takes a while, when I see women wearing heels and waiting patiently for the gates to open.

The VELLA voice in my brain springs up again - "Did you think you were coming for a party madam?" "Or you thought you'll come and be ushered in within a second, and there you go! Your passport's done!"
I see them getting tired - looking for a place to sit and still be a part of the slowly growing line. "Haah!"
(Thats the voice in my head!) "I told ya! Aur pehno heels!" (Humph! *Smirking Cheeply*)

Ya, ya! The heat is killing me! I look at the 'Government Servants' line! "Idiots! What have they done to deserve the shade??" Helplessness sets in. The brain is trying to figure out a way to fight the heat.

Realization sets in - NO CHANCE!

The Accountant in me sets to work - "How much do you think they earn in a day?" (Thats the Voice talking again - Lets call it BUGS! :P) So, Bugs says - "How much do you think they earn in a day?"
And, replies to its own self - "Well, If they get about 500 applications a day, and even half are through tatkaal - they still make almost 9 Lakh rupees a day!" "And they can't spend 5000 bucks on a Sun Shade? RIDICULOUS!"

It is 9.30 and hopeful applicants are gathering like it is the final match of IPL. They act like we are invisible morons standing in a queue. They walk up to the guard at the gate and ask the "Bhaiya, Passport ke liye yahhan se...?"

Bugs, the voice is fuzzing up - getting irritated by the minute "YEAH NUT CASE! LOOK AT US! WE'VE BEEN HERE SINCE 7.30!! NOW MOVE YOUR ASS AND GO TO THE END OF THE LINE!"

They still stand there, hoping that the guard suddenly fails to see them anymore and they can keep standing right where they are.

They all have their excuses - "Bhaiya minor ke saath hain!" Bhaiya, SHO se baat kar lijiye!" "Arrey yaar, Hum toh saat baje se khade hain!"

A big bodied unshaven guard comes out form behind the gates as if He's just been disturbed from his beauty sleep! "Sirjeee! Sirjeee! Peechey jaaiye! Line Mein! Peechey Peechey! Sunaee nahi deta kya?? Main aapko bol raha hoon!" Every one of those stupid people standing at the gate like to believe that he's talking to the rest of the lot.
RESULT: None of them move. Now the guy starts pushing AND screaming his lungs out together. "LINE MEIN LAGO! LINE MEIN!"

Bugs starts talking again! - "He could sue the passport office for making him holler like that everyday! If they want everyone in a line, which IS how it should be anyway, haven't they heard of RAILINGS?? MAN! This is crazy!!!"

The sweet fragrance of my deodorant has changed into a not-so-nice smell. And so has everybody else's. Its not a very good place to be in at the moment, but there's still 12 minutes to go! Before my KISMAT KA TAALA opens! These are probably the SLOWEST EVER 12 minutes of my life!

I strike up a conversation with the guy in front of me. He tells me he has been coming here at least three days every week for the past four months! He says they seem to have lost his file and he's missed his entire 1st semester at the University of Wisconsin! They put him up at the top floor of the building, amidst 1 and a half lakh files and tell him to find his! My ears almost fall off! I thank god for everything I have :P

Tic Toc Tic Toc Tic Toc Tic Toc....

YES!! The gates are opened! People run in as if Amitabh Bachchan is waiting just to see them. I ask for the Online submission Counter and am very happy to discover that I am the first one. The guy goes through my papers and tells me in gibberish - "Iski aur iski photocopy kara ke lao" and throws my documents at me. My heart sinks! I ask him - "Photocopy kahaan se hogi?"
The idiot replies "Pata Nahi!" I want to slap the guy. I think about what would follow. And I hold myself back. He could reject my application!

I ask a few people and find out its behind the building. I know if I go out now, I'll have to stand at the end of the line OUTSIDE in the heat all over again. I want to cry. Then like Mentos says - Dimaag ki batti jalao, I remember something. My driver. The Saviour of my life. I call him and tell him to get the required papers photocopied while I wait inside.

20 minutes and 3 phone calls later, he reappears. I grab the papers and run inside.

And then..

There are 50 people ahead of me, behind me, and on every possible side! I want to kick myself on my bum but there is NO space! I stand - like a moron! Cursing myself! I look around. There are 12 counters out of which as many as TWO whole counters are for online forms! And on each side of EACH counter is a very simple message "KRIPAYA POOCHTAACH NA KAREIN! PLEASE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS!"

Oh my god!! They actually have that printed on boards??? Time to play the waiting game again. 20 minutes later - I haven't moved an inch and have counted that there are 14 planks jutting out of the ceiling! White handkerchiefs turn wet and yellow!
Sigh!

Its 11.30 when I reach the counter. Well, look at the positive side - Its at least still morning!

The idiot across the counter (With his top 2 shirt buttons open, a very visible hairy chest and paan in his mouth) asks me a few questions, ticks each piece of paper without even looking at it and puts a million stamps on them.

Again, gibberish! I figure he's telling me to get something signed from someone else in Hall 2. Bugs pipes up "Now where the hell is Hall 2?"

I ask people and end up standing in the wrong line again! Half an hour and 2 more signatures later, I am back at the earlier counter (somehow dhakka maar ke) and waiting breathlessly as the paan-chewing moron checks my papers for the third time! I get the feeling that I am sitting in a Maths exam, but accidentally prepared for German! He asks me for the money. I pass it to him.
I wait! I wait for the golden words!

And then he says it - "Passport Ikattees ko milega!"

I want to jump in the air and scream! I get the same feeling I got the day I discovered I passed in my Business Studies board paper! YAHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!
Today is a BIG day in my life!

I call my driver and walk out. There is a guy at the gate "Bhaiya, Mujhe passport banwana hai, mujhe Delhi Secretariat se bheja hai!"

Bugs says, "Yeah Smart ass!! You're the only one who's come for a passport naa!"

I sit in my car and realize that:

A) I'm famished!
B) I need sleep DESPERATELY
C) I need to go to the loo NOW, and;
D) It is 12.38PM! TWELVE THIRTY EIGHT! My passport application submission (Mind you! It was only SUBMISSION!) took 5 hours and 3 minutes!

I reach home and as I faint-walk, my maid looks at me weirdly. I want to say something to her, but the vocal chords are just not working.

I think to myself "Oh Man! Aren't you lucky you don't have a passport!"

Hmmmm... *Tired Smile!* :)