This world is a strange place. And in this strange place, everyone has his/her own quirks, - crazy thoughts, beliefs and rituals, weird ways of looking at things – sometimes very subtle, sometimes totally over the top! In this mad, sometimes fascinating, sometimes exasperating world, one thing that has ALWAYS intrigued me is the ‘Big Fat Indian Wedding’. You might call me nuts, and you might find this looney, but the more I attend Indian ‘functions’; the more my beliefs get strengthened. And, I’m glad to tell you that I’m not alone in this. My eternal soul mate, my humsafar – “Bugs” (The voice in my head) agrees with me a hundred percent on this! :P
Being fully aware of the fact that the ONE dream Indian girls have, I guess, since the day they are born, is their wedding day. The day they get to look THE prettiest. The day all eyes are on them. THEIR day!
At the risk of being killed by many after they read this, I’d like to report that this entire concept goes way over my head. Those who know me are sometimes in doubt about whether I am normal, trying to find SOME miniscule specs of feminism in me :P
Well, I won’t defend that. Not now. Now ever. Because I am good at being a tom boy ;) And I like it. It’s a simple life – all I need is a pair of denims, a t-shirt and sports shoes. I hate shopping more than arbi and ghiya and do NOT understand make up and accessories. See – it is easy!
So anyway, my heart sinks every time I am told that there is a “you-know-what” around the corner that I need to attend. I am not joking; I get more tensed than I was even before my Business Studies board exam. Then my life gets divided into two distinct phases – Pre-prep, and the event! Pheww!!
STAGE I : PRE-PREP
Mum (In hyperactive mode): You have NO clothes, what are you going to wear? You don’t have ANYTHING presentable! Blah blah blah! *Fully panic stricken*. What I hate in this whole thing – the SUITS! I JUST cannot handle suits!!! Those over flowing chunnis, the open hair, the works. Then the makeup I’m forced to do. Items I don’t even know the names of are put on my face to make me look PRESENTABLE! *Bugs is thoroughly annoyed even at the thought*!
So, somehow, the clothes are organized, some last minute shopping (yuck!) is done and gotten over with! So much tension, and the function hasn’t even BEGUN! :S
Now the more difficult part,
STAGE II : THE EVENT
In a constant process of mental preparation, Bugs reminds me that there are four functions on four consecutive WORKING days of the week, in some remote corner of the OTHER side of Delhi. :/
Okay, Day 1 : *meeting people you see once every year on a function just like this, and not even knowing what relation you have with them!* The easiest thing to do – “Namaste ji”. JI is my favorite word on days like this – age no bar, caste no bar, gender no bar! No tension. Everybody is ‘ji’. You don’t have to know HOW you know them. They might by your mom’s cousin’s masi’s grandson’s wife twice removed. But they are JI. Period.
Next, the more difficult thing to do : have a conversation.
One farfetched relative, the twice removed type: Arreeeyyyy betaaa, kitne bade ho gaye hooo?
Depending on what stage of life you are in its either “Boards kaise hue?? Result kaisa tha?” or “Kaunsa college mein admission mili?” or “Kahan naukri kar rahe ho?” or jus the good old “Haaaiiii, bachche kitne bade ho gaye naaa? Pichli baari yeh itni si thi, godi me aa jati thi!”
Bugs to himself : Ya, aunty JI! What did you expect, I’d still be 2 years old?? Hmph!
Somehow, sitting on a table somewhere in the ocean of people , listening to the ‘elders’ discussing ‘life’ in the past one year that they’ve not seen each other, day 1 ends.
And am I glad!
Day 2: Now things get tougher. Since ‘life’ has already been discussed on the previous day, your eyes croon for the snacks. Fake smiles on your faces, andar hi andar, you’re praying to God, “Hey bhagwaan, I’m famished. Bhej do kisiko!” And suddenly, your hopes brighten. The waiter comes to your table, and lowers his tray. You look at the lamb and want to slap him, “Nahi, Vegetarian bhejna!” In the mean time, the ‘elders’ are now discussing what each of them are wearing. (Isn’t that their favorite topic! *rolling eyes*) “Oh! Maine toh yeh saree Guddu ki maami se banvaayi thi!” (Like I’m dying to know :S)
Okay, THEN comes Day 3: Ab toh, limit! The ‘ghar-walas’ organize a performance. Hmph! So first the Sisters with dance, then the Bhabhis, the Devars, the works! Oh! How can one forget the parents and parents-in-law. And then the one senti song. Babul ghar jaana type. Arrrggghhh! And Bugs thinks – “OKAYYYY! Get me the food man!”
Day 4: Irritation rising. Fourth CONSECUTIVE night of dressing up. Another function, another suit. Hmph! (No! I’d faint if you even MENITIONED a saree to me!)
Door Door tak conversation karne ke liye nahi hai! Food is the same as the past three days, and now the mothers, aunties, chachis and mamis are discussing the clothes of the bride and groom! WHAT a change! Okay, so today is the wedding day. The Groom’s side is going berserk dancing and the hotel staff really can’t do anything about the noise levels. So, Bride and Groom sit there, stuffed till the neck with all the motichur laddoos of the past one week. They are sick of smiling and Namaste-ing and taking the ashirwaad of the zillions of faces waiting to get themselves clicked with the couple. The bride wants to pee so badly but doesn’t dare think of first, walking to the end of the corridor in her 30kgs lehenga, and THEN peeing. Nope! She’d rather sit there, for the next 4 hours and smile even more! So that’s what happens. The mahoorat ka time comes and goes. The guests eat and go. The in-laws keep the cash they like to call “shagun”. The bride and groom are too dead to do anything, and THEN, the pandit says, “dulhe dulhan ko bulaiye, pheron ka waqt ho gaya”
Now, at 4.22am and 47 seconds, the bride and groom are shifted to the mandap area, where the pandit ji’s two minutes of fame start. He rattles of mantras in shudh Sanskrit which no one except he himself understands. Whenever he says ‘swaha’ the couple throws whatever they have in their hands into the fire. And finally, at 6 O’ clock in the morning, the in-laws are woken up and told that the ceremony is over. The couple can now officially be called ‘Husband and Wife’.
Hmm, so the wedding that was scheduled for 14th of March, actually takes place on the 15th and the Bride and Groom reach home crying for sleep.
And now, even Red Bull won’t work! :P
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