The Dark Sky..

I look through my window and see you standing there.

With a calm expression on your face, at the full moon you stare.

I look at you, and then the dark sky,

We aren’t together, even the stars are wondering why..

What do I tell them and the wind that whispers to me,

I feel so captivated and yet strangely so free..

I close my eyes and take a deep breath; I don’t know what to say

Oh Please, like the rest, hope you don’t walk away..

I look strong from outside, always in control,

But, on the inside, there’s nothing but a tender loving soul.

I hope to God that one day, you look this side,

Because I promise you I’ll be standing there, with my arms open wide..

I don’t know where you’ve come from; I don’t know where you want to go,

But, at least return my heart to me, that you’ve taken along the road..

Being Woman...

Sometimes I wonder why this society is the way it is..

I know every society, every country has its goods and bads, positives and negatives; and that is perfectly okay. Evolution is a slow process and I understand that. But there are a few specific things that I personally have an issue with – especially in the Indian scenario.

One thing I just cannot stand, and you could call me whatever you want for that, is gender inequality. In school, I hated this subject – Anything about it. I never understood it and I never bothered to. But now when I come to think of it, I feel so passionately about it, it’s not even funny.

It is sad when I think that these issues are an eminent part of our very own families. And even if I talk just for myself, I would have to admit that even in my own extended family there are a few people who still prefer the male child over the female. And I hate that. It’s not because I am a woman. And it’s definitely not because I have something against the male population of this world. I don’t. What I have an issue with, is the thinking.

Why do people feel that daughters aren’t good enough? Why do they feel that they can’t be as good as the men? Why do they feel that women won’t be supportive towards the elderly after their marriages? And WHY do they feel that women are a BURDEN?

Maybe I am over-reacting. I come from a family background that is VERY open-minded. I have a younger sister and our parents, I know for a fact, are proud of having two daughters. And I respect them for that. That could be the reason for my feeling like this towards ‘the world’. I have never been taught that men are better in any way. I have NEVER been given this feeling that I am NOT capable of something. But I know people who have. And it hurts me. I hurts me to see them breaking and crumbling under the burden of being a woman. I see them trying desperately to cope with this ‘issue’ and I hate it.

Today, I stand here, proud that I was born a woman, and I ask you – What is the problem in being woman? Do we become lesser mortals just because we have the boon of producing life? What is it that women can’t do better than men? On one hand, we pray to Goddess Durga, Kali and the likes, and on the other hand, we don’t want baby girls in our families. What hypocrites we are!

And again I repeat this isn’t a man vs woman, Mars vs Venus fight. It’s just about the thinking..

It’s just about the thinking..

A Kodak Moment Day! Yes, the entire day! :)

Yeah, so you know me! On days like these toh I have to write only na. A few friends are totally expecting this. I mean, they asked me, "So, isn't Bugs going to write anything today?". Hmm. Yes I told them. But today, I think I'll do the writing myself :) Come on yaar! :) Today was my day na ;) Okay, so, frankly, over the past two weeks I was pretty disappointed at the way things were panning out for my birthday. Almost all of my friends had some or the other unavoidable plans. And yes, this time, I know I wasn't in for any surprises. Come 21st night, and ONE out of a mere 12 invitees actually came. Not that I am complaining! :P Even though the fool just slept off and only woke up after smelling the cake ;) But, I love her to death for making the effort :) Thank you Vani :D

But it was actually the 8.23am today morning when the real fun began. I always knew that this one girl would do ANYTHING for me. But its always overwhelming to see the belief become stronger. Today was doubly special for this one reason. And I know I can't say or do enough for her, and I can NEVER find words befitting enough for her, but what she did for me today, I don't think many people would! Coming from a 5am flight (which is her job by the way!) sleeping for not even 2 hours and rushing to make MY day special - insisting on baking a cake for me (in my kitchen ;)), taking a power nap till we organize the ingredients!, make the icing all alone while we go crazy singing idiotic bollywood songs, juggling between a jam packed photography session right in the middle of the kitchen and the heat - really ISN'T easy. 

And there's a lot more she did. But my basic point is, today like many days gone by, I stand reassured that this angel is one of MOST treasured gifts I have ever got! And I know this because even though we might not like a few things about each other, we breathe the same breath, we feel the same concern for each other and we would sacrifice ANYTHING for one smile on each other's faces. I don't know.. It took me ten minutes to write this one sentence! And that's only because it is just so bloody difficult to put in words what she means to me. And what she has done for me today. Rashi Joshi is a part of me that will never ever EVER fade. She is my life and I don't need to say that I will do absolutely ANYTHING to keep that smile on her face every single moment for ever and after that! 

Ipshita Kaul and Ekta Jain I don't know what would I have done without! They are pure gems! The way they say in those old classic hindi movies "Hira hai hira!". True that! For them! Today wouldn't have been as special without them! 

Uditi Agarwal has been in my life for just too long for me to say anything :) she is just awesome. And, I love her! (Duhh!) :* Hugs to you. For just being there. Period. 

And now, pretty much the grand finale, and the reason I am actually sitting up so late and writing this tonight, this one gorgeous girl, Ankita Kanwar, who rocked my heart 10 years ago! And has been doing so ever since! She is one person who has the ability to bring out the zillions of emotions present inside me, and she doesn't even know it yet. I know how she thinks, and I know that right this minute, she'd be thinking I've gone nuts and none of this is true. But she has had this problem for a long long time - underestimating herself! And she loves doing it! But, I'll tell you some truths about this idiot! She loves me, and just doesn't know how to say it. And you could ask me how can I be so sure, and I'll tell you that today, she called me, and I felt it in her voice. And I know I have gone wrong in relationships many-a-times, but this is one human being I was bang on about. She might say or do, or rather, not say and not do much, but the heart that beats inside her has a part of me. 

I remember a conversation we had almost 5 years ago, and I can't guarantee that she would recall it. But we were talking about sustaining relationships and she said, "Tanee, don't expect me to be there for ever." I never told her, but that night I was deeply hurt. Today, she sits more than a few hundred kilometers away from me and I know she was wrong. I know I can't see her everyday anymore, and can't hear her laughter so often, but I think i can feel that heart beating, and I think it misses me. Maybe even she doesn't know it yet, but she is going to be in my life even after I'm not. Yes its true. 

So tonight, I thank this lord above me, for making me who I am so that I could deserve such angels in my life. 

And, my eyes haven't been wetter in a long long time..

Pakode aur Chai :D

For as long as I can remember, the first thing any Indian would think of, when he/she hears the words ‘rains’ or ‘monsoons’ – is ‘Pakode aur Chai’. Yes, although in the recent times ‘Potholes’ have become pretty symbolic too, ‘Pakode and Chai’, like many other traditions in India, have been passed down from one generation to another. Come rains, and wives all over the place would be organizing these ‘pakvaans’. Family members of all age groups – the kids, the husbands and the grandparents would wait impatiently after having said “Pushpaaa/Maa/Bahuuu, iss mausam mein chai aur pakode hon toh mazaa hi aa jaaye”. And so, the poor lady of the house starts finding that godforsaken packet of besan and the chai ki patti.

And as usual, Bugs got thinking (Yeah! The same stupid voice in my head!) – not about the calories, but the fact that maybe this wasn’t really a done thing anymore. He asked me, when was the last time I had pakodas? And believe me, I just could NOT remember! It must have been at a party that had a chaat pakodi theme or something.  So I figured this was one of those times when you see trends changing. I think if it were pouring heavily today, people would probably prefer a chocolate brownie or waffles with maple syrup with a hot cappuccino rather than the good old Pakode and chai! And no, it isn’t about being health conscious! I don’t think the calories matter as much, since the latter is more definitely more fattening than the oil soaked pakode. But I guess over time, tastes have evolved.

Then again, if we’re talking desi versus firang - isn’t Neal Caffery hotter than John Abraham anyway? ;D

My True Best Friend..

So, I’ve been thinking. As usual..

Generally, on one of my ‘low’ days, when I don’t feel like talking to anyone, all I want to do is blame everyone for whatever’s not going right. So, I had a few expectations, which according to me weren’t too demanding, but, yeah, it doesn’t really seem like they’re going to be met with. So, I’m cranky and irritable and feel like screaming.

A friend says, I have never seen you like this! Come on, be your normal self again! I say, everyday can’t be rosy and merry and funny na! And since it can’t, and if she is a true friend, she can for once, take the brunt and get a feeler of my ‘other’ side. And she does. She hears me rant, be sarcastic and rude for twenty minutes, with a few ‘trying-to-explain-its-not-like-that’ statements here and there. It does help, a little.

But then, back to square one. The anger and irritation set in again. And Oh yes! I’m pissed off. So I open up a word document and start typing. Now how does THAT help? Well, for one, it is just a white piece of blank-ness. So essentially, it is very inviting. Secondly, it just stands there waiting for me to pour out everything I can’t tell someone – everything they won’t understand. The good part about this medium is that it doesn’t HAVE to understand. It just has to listen – patiently. And that is does. So I write. And it soothes me. It calms me. And I can feel the anger slipping away.

Now, I don’t know if I am what you call a ‘good’ writer. I don’t know if I even make sense half the time and I’m not sure if people relate to what I pen down. I also don’t know if they’re even interested in what I have to offer. But one thing I do know is that, it heals me. It gives me what no friend can give me. It gives me the ability to find a solution within myself.

This pen and paper – is my true best friend.

Pe Pe Pepein - The Much Awaited Wedding Bells :P

This world is a strange place. And in this strange place, everyone has his/her own quirks, - crazy thoughts, beliefs and rituals, weird ways of looking at things – sometimes very subtle, sometimes totally over the top! In this mad, sometimes fascinating, sometimes exasperating world, one thing that has ALWAYS intrigued me is the ‘Big Fat Indian Wedding’. You might call me nuts, and you might find this looney, but the more I attend Indian ‘functions’; the more my beliefs get strengthened. And, I’m glad to tell you that I’m not alone in this. My eternal soul mate, my humsafar – “Bugs” (The voice in my head) agrees with me a hundred percent on this! :P

Being fully aware of the fact that the ONE dream Indian girls have, I guess, since the day they are born, is their wedding day. The day they get to look THE prettiest. The day all eyes are on them. THEIR day!

At the risk of being killed by many after they read this, I’d like to report that this entire concept goes way over my head. Those who know me are sometimes in doubt about whether I am normal, trying to find SOME miniscule specs of feminism in me :P

Well, I won’t defend that. Not now. Now ever. Because I am good at being a tom boy ;) And I like it. It’s a simple life – all I need is a pair of denims, a t-shirt and sports shoes. I hate shopping more than arbi and ghiya and do NOT understand make up and accessories. See – it is easy!

So anyway, my heart sinks every time I am told that there is a “you-know-what” around the corner that I need to attend. I am not joking; I get more tensed than I was even before my Business Studies board exam. Then my life gets divided into two distinct phases – Pre-prep, and the event! Pheww!!

STAGE I : PRE-PREP

Mum (In hyperactive mode): You have NO clothes, what are you going to wear? You don’t have ANYTHING presentable! Blah blah blah! *Fully panic stricken*. What I hate in this whole thing – the SUITS! I JUST cannot handle suits!!! Those over flowing chunnis, the open hair, the works. Then the makeup I’m forced to do. Items I don’t even know the names of are put on my face to make me look PRESENTABLE! *Bugs is thoroughly annoyed even at the thought*!

So, somehow, the clothes are organized, some last minute shopping (yuck!) is done and gotten over with! So much tension, and the function hasn’t even BEGUN! :S

Now the more difficult part,

STAGE II : THE EVENT

In a constant process of mental preparation, Bugs reminds me that there are four functions on four consecutive WORKING days of the week, in some remote corner of the OTHER side of Delhi. :/

Okay, Day 1 : *meeting people you see once every year on a function just like this, and not even knowing what relation you have with them!* The easiest thing to do – “Namaste ji”. JI is my favorite word on days like this – age no bar, caste no bar, gender no bar! No tension. Everybody is ‘ji’. You don’t have to know HOW you know them. They might by your mom’s cousin’s masi’s grandson’s wife twice removed. But they are JI. Period.

Next, the more difficult thing to do : have a conversation.

One farfetched relative, the twice removed type: Arreeeyyyy betaaa, kitne bade ho gaye hooo?

Depending on what stage of life you are in its either “Boards kaise hue?? Result kaisa tha?” or “Kaunsa college mein admission mili?” or “Kahan naukri kar rahe ho?” or jus the good old “Haaaiiii, bachche kitne bade ho gaye naaa? Pichli baari yeh itni si thi, godi me aa jati thi!”

Bugs to himself : Ya, aunty JI! What did you expect, I’d still be 2 years old?? Hmph!

Somehow, sitting on a table somewhere in the ocean of people , listening to the ‘elders’ discussing ‘life’ in the past one year that they’ve not seen each other, day 1 ends.

And am I glad!

Day 2: Now things get tougher. Since ‘life’ has already been discussed on the previous day, your eyes croon for the snacks. Fake smiles on your faces, andar hi andar, you’re praying to God, “Hey bhagwaan, I’m famished. Bhej do kisiko!” And suddenly, your hopes brighten. The waiter comes to your table, and lowers his tray. You look at the lamb and want to slap him, “Nahi, Vegetarian bhejna!” In the mean time, the ‘elders’ are now discussing what each of them are wearing. (Isn’t that their favorite topic! *rolling eyes*) “Oh! Maine toh yeh saree Guddu ki maami se banvaayi thi!” (Like I’m dying to know :S)

Okay, THEN comes Day 3: Ab toh, limit! The ‘ghar-walas’ organize a performance. Hmph! So first the Sisters with dance, then the Bhabhis, the Devars, the works! Oh! How can one forget the parents and parents-in-law. And then the one senti song. Babul ghar jaana type. Arrrggghhh! And Bugs thinks – “OKAYYYY! Get me the food man!”

Day 4: Irritation rising. Fourth CONSECUTIVE night of dressing up. Another function, another suit. Hmph! (No! I’d faint if you even MENITIONED a saree to me!)

Door Door tak conversation karne ke liye nahi hai! Food is the same as the past three days, and now the mothers, aunties, chachis and mamis are discussing the clothes of the bride and groom! WHAT a change! Okay, so today is the wedding day. The Groom’s side is going berserk dancing and the hotel staff really can’t do anything about the noise levels.  So, Bride and Groom sit there, stuffed till the neck with all the motichur laddoos of the past one week. They are sick of smiling and Namaste-ing and taking the ashirwaad of the zillions of faces waiting to get themselves clicked with the couple. The bride wants to pee so badly but doesn’t dare think of first, walking to the end of the corridor in her 30kgs lehenga, and THEN peeing. Nope! She’d rather sit there, for the next 4 hours and smile even more! So that’s what happens. The mahoorat ka time comes and goes. The guests eat and go. The in-laws keep the cash they like to call “shagun”. The bride and groom are too dead to do anything, and THEN, the pandit says, “dulhe dulhan ko bulaiye, pheron ka waqt ho gaya”

Now, at 4.22am and 47 seconds, the bride and groom are shifted to the mandap area, where the pandit ji’s two minutes of fame start. He rattles of mantras in shudh Sanskrit which no one except he himself understands. Whenever he says ‘swaha’ the couple throws whatever they have in their hands into the fire. And finally, at 6 O’ clock in the morning, the in-laws are woken up and told that the ceremony is over. The couple can now officially be called ‘Husband and Wife’.

Hmm, so the wedding that was scheduled for 14^th of March, actually takes place on the 15^th and the Bride and Groom reach home crying for sleep.

And now, even Red Bull won’t work! :P

The Great Indian Traffic Tamasha!

Okay, so you guessed it right! Here I am on a Friday morning, dreaming of a blissful work-free weekend ahead and then... comes the traffic.

So, it’s the usual rush hour jam faced by every Indian – but the only thing worth mentioning here is that the rush hour kind of goes on from 8.30am till midnight in this place called Gud-gawaan!

Hmm..I sit there, right in the middle of a sea of vehicles, at first waiting patiently, and then worried.

Yeah! As usual my fuel tank is about to hit the dreaded ‘E’ and lucky me! Today like most other days, all I have is a fifty rupee note on me! (Not THAT way, you pervert!) :P

Theek hai, back to the point, like in every bollywood movie, the story is pretty much the same, so is the traffic scene in India.
Jab bhi aap late ho rahe ho, garmi ho, basically, all the shaneez and mangals and grehs are against you…then a car RIGHT in front of you will break down. And Voila! That’s what happened! The only difference was that in movies its normally the beautiful heroine who’s car it is, but THIS car I’m talking about had an old, clueless-about-the-next-step uncle jee as its driver! Pity the car!

Anyway! An hour goes by looking at that FIRST car a kilometer ahead, hoping it’ll move just an inch! Yeah, that’s the height of ‘ray-of-hope’. When you’re stuck in a never-ending jam – to see that ONE car wayyyy ahead move just a wee bit!

Nope, it doesn’t! Hmph!

Then…Something hilariously strange happens. Or so I thought..

People in India anyway honk as if it were their birth right! I’ve always wondered – just because the damn thing is ‘muft-muft-muft’, doesn’t really mean that’s ALL we do! :/

I am STILL standing in the sea of vehicles, and then the honking starts! First one guy, then another, then another..and the ENTIRE vehicle population goes CRAZY! Everyone around me is honking like mad-hatters! And as I watch in disbelief the only explanation I can come up with, is that: probably, it’s another “Bhartiya-Bonding” strategy. Maybe these people feel ‘One’ when they honk like this!

Maybe it’s a mass-all-India-honk-day which I don’t know about! :S

So, it’s like a mass-wave thing we’d do in a cricket stadium! But only, there’s no cricket and there’s no stadium! Just a stupid loooong line of cars and more cars ahead of me!
And then again, MJ playing in my car is drowned by the chorus that erupts! Maybe they’re thinking this ‘mass’ honking thing might just wake up the traffic guys! Now I’m getting irritated! I wish this “It’s-my car-horn-I’ll-do-what-I-want-with-it” got us somewhere.

Ironically, what’s playing or rather TRYING to play in my car, under the outside chorus is ‘This is it!’

Really? I think! :/

It’s been an hour and a half now! And it’s the fourth, no I’m sorry – it’s the fifth honk-all-you-can marathon under way! Maybe Archies ran out of their random brother-in-law and father-in-law days, so came up with a honk-day? Hmm..I’m sure they still haven’t covered all 365 days of the year! I mean, come on! How can there be a day left in the year that’s NOT actually a day? :O You know what I mean? I think Honk day is perfect.

And now… :/ it’s Taylor Swift being drowned in the sea of stagnancy…!...hmm…