The Journey of a Lifetime - to the Passport Office! :P

India is a bizarre country. And, I have solid justification for saying this.

DATE: 29th March 2010
PLACE: New Delhi

It is 7.35am and I reach the Passport Office.
MISSION: Passport Renewal through Tatkaal.
PRIOR EXPERIENCE: Nil.

I am aware that the gates open at 10.15am, and am happy to see that I'm one of the first 15 odd people to reach (Obvously DUHH! Its 7.30!). I have slept only for 4 hours the previous night, so obviously, I am in a state of hyperactivity :/

I stand in the line for about ten fifteen minutes wondering whether I am in the correct one. After all, Online Registration kari thi bhai! I walk around a bit, my paper work tightly clasped in my hands, as if, this is teh only thing a mugger would be interested in!

So, I ask a few people, who are as clueless as me. A guard pops out his head from behind the locked gates..

"Bhaiya, online submission ki line yehi hai na?"
"Haan ji! Yahin khade ho jaiye!"

Back to square one - a little more knowledgeable this time. 10 more minutes pass. I wonder why they hadn't mentioned 'PLEASE CARRY CAPS AND CHILLED WATER ALONG WITH YOUR DOCUMENTATION' on the website. A guy is making the rounds shouting "Matthi aur CHAAAAAIIIIIIII" "Matthi aur CHAAAAAIIIIIIII". I think to myself - Is he crazy??? Paani laa oh muurkh-janak!!

The Hotelier cum Marketing professional in me springs to life - All focus on 'Seasonal Business Opportunities' - What if they change their product offering every season? Matthi and Chai in Winters, Cold Water and Juice in the Summers, Umbrellas in the Rainy Season...

With all this conversation happening inside my brain, It is miraculously 8.08! Wow!! Time flies fast! Not to mention, I have already observed exactly what each person in the line is wearing, their facial expressions, who has shaved, who hasn't (Thats the trainer in me - stick to grooming standards man!), what kind of footwear people have put on. The last bit takes a while, when I see women wearing heels and waiting patiently for the gates to open.

The VELLA voice in my brain springs up again - "Did you think you were coming for a party madam?" "Or you thought you'll come and be ushered in within a second, and there you go! Your passport's done!"
I see them getting tired - looking for a place to sit and still be a part of the slowly growing line. "Haah!"
(Thats the voice in my head!) "I told ya! Aur pehno heels!" (Humph! *Smirking Cheeply*)

Ya, ya! The heat is killing me! I look at the 'Government Servants' line! "Idiots! What have they done to deserve the shade??" Helplessness sets in. The brain is trying to figure out a way to fight the heat.

Realization sets in - NO CHANCE!

The Accountant in me sets to work - "How much do you think they earn in a day?" (Thats the Voice talking again - Lets call it BUGS! :P) So, Bugs says - "How much do you think they earn in a day?"
And, replies to its own self - "Well, If they get about 500 applications a day, and even half are through tatkaal - they still make almost 9 Lakh rupees a day!" "And they can't spend 5000 bucks on a Sun Shade? RIDICULOUS!"

It is 9.30 and hopeful applicants are gathering like it is the final match of IPL. They act like we are invisible morons standing in a queue. They walk up to the guard at the gate and ask the "Bhaiya, Passport ke liye yahhan se...?"

Bugs, the voice is fuzzing up - getting irritated by the minute "YEAH NUT CASE! LOOK AT US! WE'VE BEEN HERE SINCE 7.30!! NOW MOVE YOUR ASS AND GO TO THE END OF THE LINE!"

They still stand there, hoping that the guard suddenly fails to see them anymore and they can keep standing right where they are.

They all have their excuses - "Bhaiya minor ke saath hain!" Bhaiya, SHO se baat kar lijiye!" "Arrey yaar, Hum toh saat baje se khade hain!"

A big bodied unshaven guard comes out form behind the gates as if He's just been disturbed from his beauty sleep! "Sirjeee! Sirjeee! Peechey jaaiye! Line Mein! Peechey Peechey! Sunaee nahi deta kya?? Main aapko bol raha hoon!" Every one of those stupid people standing at the gate like to believe that he's talking to the rest of the lot.
RESULT: None of them move. Now the guy starts pushing AND screaming his lungs out together. "LINE MEIN LAGO! LINE MEIN!"

Bugs starts talking again! - "He could sue the passport office for making him holler like that everyday! If they want everyone in a line, which IS how it should be anyway, haven't they heard of RAILINGS?? MAN! This is crazy!!!"

The sweet fragrance of my deodorant has changed into a not-so-nice smell. And so has everybody else's. Its not a very good place to be in at the moment, but there's still 12 minutes to go! Before my KISMAT KA TAALA opens! These are probably the SLOWEST EVER 12 minutes of my life!

I strike up a conversation with the guy in front of me. He tells me he has been coming here at least three days every week for the past four months! He says they seem to have lost his file and he's missed his entire 1st semester at the University of Wisconsin! They put him up at the top floor of the building, amidst 1 and a half lakh files and tell him to find his! My ears almost fall off! I thank god for everything I have :P

Tic Toc Tic Toc Tic Toc Tic Toc....

YES!! The gates are opened! People run in as if Amitabh Bachchan is waiting just to see them. I ask for the Online submission Counter and am very happy to discover that I am the first one. The guy goes through my papers and tells me in gibberish - "Iski aur iski photocopy kara ke lao" and throws my documents at me. My heart sinks! I ask him - "Photocopy kahaan se hogi?"
The idiot replies "Pata Nahi!" I want to slap the guy. I think about what would follow. And I hold myself back. He could reject my application!

I ask a few people and find out its behind the building. I know if I go out now, I'll have to stand at the end of the line OUTSIDE in the heat all over again. I want to cry. Then like Mentos says - Dimaag ki batti jalao, I remember something. My driver. The Saviour of my life. I call him and tell him to get the required papers photocopied while I wait inside.

20 minutes and 3 phone calls later, he reappears. I grab the papers and run inside.

And then..

There are 50 people ahead of me, behind me, and on every possible side! I want to kick myself on my bum but there is NO space! I stand - like a moron! Cursing myself! I look around. There are 12 counters out of which as many as TWO whole counters are for online forms! And on each side of EACH counter is a very simple message "KRIPAYA POOCHTAACH NA KAREIN! PLEASE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS!"

Oh my god!! They actually have that printed on boards??? Time to play the waiting game again. 20 minutes later - I haven't moved an inch and have counted that there are 14 planks jutting out of the ceiling! White handkerchiefs turn wet and yellow!
Sigh!

Its 11.30 when I reach the counter. Well, look at the positive side - Its at least still morning!

The idiot across the counter (With his top 2 shirt buttons open, a very visible hairy chest and paan in his mouth) asks me a few questions, ticks each piece of paper without even looking at it and puts a million stamps on them.

Again, gibberish! I figure he's telling me to get something signed from someone else in Hall 2. Bugs pipes up "Now where the hell is Hall 2?"

I ask people and end up standing in the wrong line again! Half an hour and 2 more signatures later, I am back at the earlier counter (somehow dhakka maar ke) and waiting breathlessly as the paan-chewing moron checks my papers for the third time! I get the feeling that I am sitting in a Maths exam, but accidentally prepared for German! He asks me for the money. I pass it to him.
I wait! I wait for the golden words!

And then he says it - "Passport Ikattees ko milega!"

I want to jump in the air and scream! I get the same feeling I got the day I discovered I passed in my Business Studies board paper! YAHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!
Today is a BIG day in my life!

I call my driver and walk out. There is a guy at the gate "Bhaiya, Mujhe passport banwana hai, mujhe Delhi Secretariat se bheja hai!"

Bugs says, "Yeah Smart ass!! You're the only one who's come for a passport naa!"

I sit in my car and realize that:

A) I'm famished!
B) I need sleep DESPERATELY
C) I need to go to the loo NOW, and;
D) It is 12.38PM! TWELVE THIRTY EIGHT! My passport application submission (Mind you! It was only SUBMISSION!) took 5 hours and 3 minutes!

I reach home and as I faint-walk, my maid looks at me weirdly. I want to say something to her, but the vocal chords are just not working.

I think to myself "Oh Man! Aren't you lucky you don't have a passport!"

Hmmmm... *Tired Smile!* :)

Love - and its own little love affair!

For most people, their teenage and early twenties is when they experience love for the first time. Their first relationship, their first romance. That everlasting soft corner for that ‘Special Someone’. While some find their ‘true’ love and ‘forever-and-always’ soul mate the first time itself, there are a whole lot who go through their first heart breaks, which is more often than not a lesson for them in many ways. And so, even though, their first ‘Experiment’ with love might have been more out of curiosity than anything else, their next step into the world of romance is often a more informed and aware one.

It really depends on the situations we’ve faced, how our outlook towards relationships and this ‘fad’ called love shapes up. Different people would take different turns in life after these first ‘incidents’. Some might not want to get into a relationship again, some may go on a guilt trip, a few might turn to self-pity and a long lasting session of ‘tears-on-the-pillow’ and, others may go for bitterness, revenge or blame. There might be just a handful who actually move on. And, I’m afraid I haven’t reached that stage yet.

But, it is actually the ‘second’ stint at this risky game which really shows what we’ve learnt from the previous one. I call it a risky game because like LIFE, there is no guarantee for love – No sure shot formula, no cheat codes. And, even though we may not have a choice when it comes to being born, falling in love is definitely a more conscious option. What is sad is that, sometimes people do not make the ‘right’ choices the second and the next and the next time too.. And, yet again, I fall into that category.

After I-don’t-know-how-many-hund

reds-and-thousands of years too, love is even now, such a vague term. It is STILL, beyond doubt, unexplainable. People are still as, or maybe more curious, now than ever, to find out the ‘secret’, the ‘right’ recipe to it. And in the process of trying to discover the surreptitious thing, lose their path somewhere down the road.. There are so many of us, blinded by this fantasy called love, trying to touch that bubble of ‘happily ever after’ and not make it burst. Trying so hard to unravel this unsolvable mystery that, in the process, we forget that the PERSON we are dreaming these dreams with is not the Mr./Ms.Right at all. We don’t realize that we are just trying to force a square peg into a round hole. And that never works. We know it sub-consciously! Oh yes, we do! We just find it more convenient to live with that flight of our imagination rather than the crude reality.

They say, when you are in love you do crazy things. I agree, a hundred percent. But, I think to get out of it, and ‘DEAL with the past’ you do crazier things :)..and there is no justification for it. Because, in the end – Love has its own love affair with insanity. And THIS, unlike the rest, is a bond forever. The ‘Fevicol-ka-mazboot-jod-ha

i’ type. Love and insanity, in whatever form, will always go hand-in-hand, no matter what. The only catch here is that our naïve hearts only see the ‘love’ effect, whereas insanity comes in as wild card entry mid way… :)

Hmm..I guess this is the only game in the world, that is bound by NO rules..

I thought we were perfect..

There was a time when I didn’t know what love was..
Then you came along..

I don’t know how it happened, it just did..
All of it started to come true, what I’d dreamt of as a kid..
Your beautiful eyes showed the zing I had never witnessed before
Your smile made my day, your hug bettered everything,

You solved every problem, had a way out of every difficulty
You ensured there was no guilt, no blame, no self-pity
You made sure I ate well and was well rested,
I wish I’d known then, that I was just being tested..

I trusted you blindly, gave you the ropes of my life,
You handled them well, but only for a while..
I didn’t ask for too much, just you till the end of time
And you said to me, you’ll leave me ‘never ever..forever’..that was your constant chime

I truly believed you, now I think, I shouldn’t have
After all that happened, I think it was too much I gave..
I really thought you would have stuck to your word, to all that you’d said
I don’t know what they meant, all those promises you made..

It is sad to think, such a beautiful relationship fell flat
I just wish you had the guts you always lacked!
Now you’re gone, happy with someone else,
I don’t know what to say, I am still numb..
But mostly, I feel naked, wounded and dumb!

There are just so many memories; I don’t know what to do with them
Every turn I take, everywhere I go, I am reminded of you
What didn’t I do for you, I put so much at stake,
I fought with so many, but, you just let my heart break..

Now, what is left is only hurt and scars..
I have begun to believe that love is a farce..
How wrong I was, now I reflect..
Because, for a time I actually thought we were perfect..

When luck walked out!

Lots of people believe that luck has a huge role to play in life. They use this term “luck” interchangeably with “destiny” or “kismat” and often say “Yeh toh likha tha kismat main, yeh toh hona hi tha!”. And this they usually say when something goes wrong, something that was not in their ‘plan’ of life. Being Indians, we believe a great deal in God. To an extent that almost all differences and clashes in society are due to religious reasons.

If we believe in God so much, why is it that we only remember Him and His powers in times of need, in times of weakness? When we win a gold medal in a state level sports tournament or are promoted at work, then it was our hard work and dedication that worked. But when, we are stuck with a flat tyre on the way to an important meeting or the maid burns our brand new shirt, we curse God, question his actions. We ask “Why me?”. Why is it that till everything is going well, we are riding high, it works fine. But as soon as things stop falling into place, we say “luck just walked out.”

Luck might be a part of life - Of the turns life takes. But what is more important is what we DO. Our deeds. Our actions. All we have to do is ‘do good’. And it’ll all work out fine. God is watching our each move. He is following our every thought. He knows the ‘plan’ of our lives. He knows when we need ‘luck’ and when just plain hard work to achieve what we want. Either way, through good and bad experiences, right and wrong choices; this is the ‘plan’ of our life. Even if we stray, we will eventually come back on track. This is what we were sent here to do. And it is our ‘luck’ that we are still here, doing it.

The 12th Floor..

I stand in my balcony on this winter night. Its mid December. Its not very chilly but there is a nip in the air. The view is amazing. It relaxes me. Gurgaon looks like New York in the evenings. Its beautiful. Everything looks tiny from my 12th floor apartment. The cars, the people, the houses, the trees. I like it. I like the peace here. The quiet. Just me and my thoughts. Nobody to interfere. Nobody to judge me. I think about my life. I think about how I have changed. I know I have. I can feel it in me. I dont know if thats good or bad. I miss my old self sometimes. I can see life getting more complicated with time. I can see it in front of my eyes. I can see my life just passing by. I am not doing anything worthwhile. My life is passing me by and Im standing there - just watching. I know what I want, but I know I cant have it. I never will. I want it more every day. And every day I am confused even more if i'm moving towards it or farther away. The destination is there. The direction is there. Its all set. But the circumstances are SO against me. Its unreal. Its getting really tough. I don't know if ill ever be able to reach it. I am dizzy with thought every night. Am I even a little closer to it? No. Sometimes I feel this is my purpose. Sometimes I feel where is all this leading me? Some say time is a good healer. How much time. I need to know. Till when can I go on like this. How can everything be so against it? Im afraid to be on my own. Im fine when im with people. When Im not, my mind goes back to it. I don't know if ill be able to go on like this forever. How will I muster up so much courage. I know Im alone in this. And I don't have a solution. Its there. It more than exists for me. Every moment of the day I wonder - will it be possible? EVER? No. Highly unlikely. Tonight - my mind is blank. Even the calm on the 12th floor doesn't ease the pain, the panic. A war is waging inside me. And I don't know what to do...

Freedom...

What does freedom mean to you? How would you describe it? People talk about big things - freedom of our country, our nation - Politicians thrive on this so called "promise" of freedom, of trying to achieve it, not for themselves, but for their "people". We talk about freedom from terrorism, freedom of speech, freedom of expression. We blame authorities, the government and God knows who all for not having proper security systems. We think, what can WE do as the youth of this country - to be free! Is that one peace rally we participated in enough? or that one group we joined on facebook? Is that all we can do to be free? I really don't know what freedom is.

There are 6 billion people in this world, and 6 billion definitions of freedom. How do we ever expect to achieve this "freedom" when these different definitions, opinions and views are flying around all over simultaneously. Why don't we just hold on a second, and think! What if one day, we are free from all these big issues - terrorism and the likes - are we REALLY free then? I don't think so!

For me freedom is one simple thing. Being able to sleep peacefully at night. That's it! That one thought that today I added some value - to someone's life, made someone laugh, spread a few smiles, helped someone out of a tight spot, and in turn, became a better person - helped MYSELF grow. That one thought that I was just myself - no pretence, no lies, no regrets. I'm not saying we don't get into difficult situations, but, our true character is revealed in times of crisis. Freedom to me is not 'not having any problems'. Freedom to me is believing that I did all that I could to make it okay. Freedom to me is being true to myself - so that when I look at myself in the mirror, I can say that I'm a good human being, and I am right. It's always different - who the world believes you are, and who you really are. In the end it doesn't matter what the world thinks of you. That doesn't matter. What matters is - what you think of yourself. And if you are content with YOURself every night - that's freedom!

Who is GOD?

Since my school days, I have always wondered who God is? How does he exist? In what form? How does he control this entire world? How does he keep a tab on ALL the people in this world? How he can divide his attention among all of us? I have never been a die-hard believer in God, I dont pray everyday or visit the temple very often but I do believe that there is SOME power up there that exists and makes things happen. I dont believe in the stories people share about seeing God or experiencing miracles - because I have never seen one myself and Im more of a "seeing is believing" person - So..

But I do remember that supernatural power we call God in times of joy as well as sorrow - and more often than not, to pray for not myself but for my loved ones - family and friends. My prayer sometimes go out to the world at large - I pray and hope for peace, a terror-less environment without crime. Very rarely do i pray for myself. People say thats because I dont love myself. Im not a priority for myself and I spend too much time in thinking about others and doing things for them - going out of my way without thinking of what im getting in return - if im getting something in return at all or not. Since my years in school up until now - I have experienced various emotions, friendships, experiences - call it what you want. And I cant say Ive learnt something from all of them. I have repeated mistakes over and over again - and at times like these I wonder - Why? If there IS a God up there - and he IS watching everything - why is it that im getting hurt over and over again? I wont lie about it - I do wonder WHY ME? ButI never seem to get an answer - Obviously, Ive heard that God has peculiar ways of making you realise something - Im waiting for the day when I have learnt that lesson - because Im tired of being hurt - of not learning and repeating the same mistakes again and again.

I know change is the only constant. But I wish there was ONE day when I could just BE! Just be ME! Without any problems, without any roller coasters - with solutions to everything - but I guess, thats where Im hoping for too much - How unrealistic is that! Sometimes I feel like Im the latest video game in town n God is having a jolly good time handling the controls!

I guess after ALL these years, ALL these experiences, and ALL these lessons, I can SAY that what I HAVE learnt is that for me God is my belief - my belief in LIFE, my belief in my VALUES, my belief in MY family, my belief in my friends and my belief in all the positives I have experienced! God is IN us! God is What we believe! God is the one who has the controls but, he really has left it to us to play our own game!

God is life and God is Death, God is love and God is hatred, God is joy and God is Sorrow, God is You and God is Me. God is Mother Teresa AS WELL AS Osama Bin Laden! Because - there are two sides of every coin - and each side has its own story to tell...