The 12th Floor..

I stand in my balcony on this winter night. Its mid December. Its not very chilly but there is a nip in the air. The view is amazing. It relaxes me. Gurgaon looks like New York in the evenings. Its beautiful. Everything looks tiny from my 12th floor apartment. The cars, the people, the houses, the trees. I like it. I like the peace here. The quiet. Just me and my thoughts. Nobody to interfere. Nobody to judge me. I think about my life. I think about how I have changed. I know I have. I can feel it in me. I dont know if thats good or bad. I miss my old self sometimes. I can see life getting more complicated with time. I can see it in front of my eyes. I can see my life just passing by. I am not doing anything worthwhile. My life is passing me by and Im standing there - just watching. I know what I want, but I know I cant have it. I never will. I want it more every day. And every day I am confused even more if i'm moving towards it or farther away. The destination is there. The direction is there. Its all set. But the circumstances are SO against me. Its unreal. Its getting really tough. I don't know if ill ever be able to reach it. I am dizzy with thought every night. Am I even a little closer to it? No. Sometimes I feel this is my purpose. Sometimes I feel where is all this leading me? Some say time is a good healer. How much time. I need to know. Till when can I go on like this. How can everything be so against it? Im afraid to be on my own. Im fine when im with people. When Im not, my mind goes back to it. I don't know if ill be able to go on like this forever. How will I muster up so much courage. I know Im alone in this. And I don't have a solution. Its there. It more than exists for me. Every moment of the day I wonder - will it be possible? EVER? No. Highly unlikely. Tonight - my mind is blank. Even the calm on the 12th floor doesn't ease the pain, the panic. A war is waging inside me. And I don't know what to do...