The Journey of a Lifetime - to the Passport Office! :P

India is a bizarre country. And, I have solid justification for saying this.

DATE: 29th March 2010
PLACE: New Delhi

It is 7.35am and I reach the Passport Office.
MISSION: Passport Renewal through Tatkaal.
PRIOR EXPERIENCE: Nil.

I am aware that the gates open at 10.15am, and am happy to see that I'm one of the first 15 odd people to reach (Obvously DUHH! Its 7.30!). I have slept only for 4 hours the previous night, so obviously, I am in a state of hyperactivity :/

I stand in the line for about ten fifteen minutes wondering whether I am in the correct one. After all, Online Registration kari thi bhai! I walk around a bit, my paper work tightly clasped in my hands, as if, this is teh only thing a mugger would be interested in!

So, I ask a few people, who are as clueless as me. A guard pops out his head from behind the locked gates..

"Bhaiya, online submission ki line yehi hai na?"
"Haan ji! Yahin khade ho jaiye!"

Back to square one - a little more knowledgeable this time. 10 more minutes pass. I wonder why they hadn't mentioned 'PLEASE CARRY CAPS AND CHILLED WATER ALONG WITH YOUR DOCUMENTATION' on the website. A guy is making the rounds shouting "Matthi aur CHAAAAAIIIIIIII" "Matthi aur CHAAAAAIIIIIIII". I think to myself - Is he crazy??? Paani laa oh muurkh-janak!!

The Hotelier cum Marketing professional in me springs to life - All focus on 'Seasonal Business Opportunities' - What if they change their product offering every season? Matthi and Chai in Winters, Cold Water and Juice in the Summers, Umbrellas in the Rainy Season...

With all this conversation happening inside my brain, It is miraculously 8.08! Wow!! Time flies fast! Not to mention, I have already observed exactly what each person in the line is wearing, their facial expressions, who has shaved, who hasn't (Thats the trainer in me - stick to grooming standards man!), what kind of footwear people have put on. The last bit takes a while, when I see women wearing heels and waiting patiently for the gates to open.

The VELLA voice in my brain springs up again - "Did you think you were coming for a party madam?" "Or you thought you'll come and be ushered in within a second, and there you go! Your passport's done!"
I see them getting tired - looking for a place to sit and still be a part of the slowly growing line. "Haah!"
(Thats the voice in my head!) "I told ya! Aur pehno heels!" (Humph! *Smirking Cheeply*)

Ya, ya! The heat is killing me! I look at the 'Government Servants' line! "Idiots! What have they done to deserve the shade??" Helplessness sets in. The brain is trying to figure out a way to fight the heat.

Realization sets in - NO CHANCE!

The Accountant in me sets to work - "How much do you think they earn in a day?" (Thats the Voice talking again - Lets call it BUGS! :P) So, Bugs says - "How much do you think they earn in a day?"
And, replies to its own self - "Well, If they get about 500 applications a day, and even half are through tatkaal - they still make almost 9 Lakh rupees a day!" "And they can't spend 5000 bucks on a Sun Shade? RIDICULOUS!"

It is 9.30 and hopeful applicants are gathering like it is the final match of IPL. They act like we are invisible morons standing in a queue. They walk up to the guard at the gate and ask the "Bhaiya, Passport ke liye yahhan se...?"

Bugs, the voice is fuzzing up - getting irritated by the minute "YEAH NUT CASE! LOOK AT US! WE'VE BEEN HERE SINCE 7.30!! NOW MOVE YOUR ASS AND GO TO THE END OF THE LINE!"

They still stand there, hoping that the guard suddenly fails to see them anymore and they can keep standing right where they are.

They all have their excuses - "Bhaiya minor ke saath hain!" Bhaiya, SHO se baat kar lijiye!" "Arrey yaar, Hum toh saat baje se khade hain!"

A big bodied unshaven guard comes out form behind the gates as if He's just been disturbed from his beauty sleep! "Sirjeee! Sirjeee! Peechey jaaiye! Line Mein! Peechey Peechey! Sunaee nahi deta kya?? Main aapko bol raha hoon!" Every one of those stupid people standing at the gate like to believe that he's talking to the rest of the lot.
RESULT: None of them move. Now the guy starts pushing AND screaming his lungs out together. "LINE MEIN LAGO! LINE MEIN!"

Bugs starts talking again! - "He could sue the passport office for making him holler like that everyday! If they want everyone in a line, which IS how it should be anyway, haven't they heard of RAILINGS?? MAN! This is crazy!!!"

The sweet fragrance of my deodorant has changed into a not-so-nice smell. And so has everybody else's. Its not a very good place to be in at the moment, but there's still 12 minutes to go! Before my KISMAT KA TAALA opens! These are probably the SLOWEST EVER 12 minutes of my life!

I strike up a conversation with the guy in front of me. He tells me he has been coming here at least three days every week for the past four months! He says they seem to have lost his file and he's missed his entire 1st semester at the University of Wisconsin! They put him up at the top floor of the building, amidst 1 and a half lakh files and tell him to find his! My ears almost fall off! I thank god for everything I have :P

Tic Toc Tic Toc Tic Toc Tic Toc....

YES!! The gates are opened! People run in as if Amitabh Bachchan is waiting just to see them. I ask for the Online submission Counter and am very happy to discover that I am the first one. The guy goes through my papers and tells me in gibberish - "Iski aur iski photocopy kara ke lao" and throws my documents at me. My heart sinks! I ask him - "Photocopy kahaan se hogi?"
The idiot replies "Pata Nahi!" I want to slap the guy. I think about what would follow. And I hold myself back. He could reject my application!

I ask a few people and find out its behind the building. I know if I go out now, I'll have to stand at the end of the line OUTSIDE in the heat all over again. I want to cry. Then like Mentos says - Dimaag ki batti jalao, I remember something. My driver. The Saviour of my life. I call him and tell him to get the required papers photocopied while I wait inside.

20 minutes and 3 phone calls later, he reappears. I grab the papers and run inside.

And then..

There are 50 people ahead of me, behind me, and on every possible side! I want to kick myself on my bum but there is NO space! I stand - like a moron! Cursing myself! I look around. There are 12 counters out of which as many as TWO whole counters are for online forms! And on each side of EACH counter is a very simple message "KRIPAYA POOCHTAACH NA KAREIN! PLEASE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS!"

Oh my god!! They actually have that printed on boards??? Time to play the waiting game again. 20 minutes later - I haven't moved an inch and have counted that there are 14 planks jutting out of the ceiling! White handkerchiefs turn wet and yellow!
Sigh!

Its 11.30 when I reach the counter. Well, look at the positive side - Its at least still morning!

The idiot across the counter (With his top 2 shirt buttons open, a very visible hairy chest and paan in his mouth) asks me a few questions, ticks each piece of paper without even looking at it and puts a million stamps on them.

Again, gibberish! I figure he's telling me to get something signed from someone else in Hall 2. Bugs pipes up "Now where the hell is Hall 2?"

I ask people and end up standing in the wrong line again! Half an hour and 2 more signatures later, I am back at the earlier counter (somehow dhakka maar ke) and waiting breathlessly as the paan-chewing moron checks my papers for the third time! I get the feeling that I am sitting in a Maths exam, but accidentally prepared for German! He asks me for the money. I pass it to him.
I wait! I wait for the golden words!

And then he says it - "Passport Ikattees ko milega!"

I want to jump in the air and scream! I get the same feeling I got the day I discovered I passed in my Business Studies board paper! YAHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!
Today is a BIG day in my life!

I call my driver and walk out. There is a guy at the gate "Bhaiya, Mujhe passport banwana hai, mujhe Delhi Secretariat se bheja hai!"

Bugs says, "Yeah Smart ass!! You're the only one who's come for a passport naa!"

I sit in my car and realize that:

A) I'm famished!
B) I need sleep DESPERATELY
C) I need to go to the loo NOW, and;
D) It is 12.38PM! TWELVE THIRTY EIGHT! My passport application submission (Mind you! It was only SUBMISSION!) took 5 hours and 3 minutes!

I reach home and as I faint-walk, my maid looks at me weirdly. I want to say something to her, but the vocal chords are just not working.

I think to myself "Oh Man! Aren't you lucky you don't have a passport!"

Hmmmm... *Tired Smile!* :)